Good Morning!
Yesterday I had a great meditation which spilled over into my overall vibration and countenance. People responded most positively and even made comments about my effect on them. These were strangers met as I went about my fraud-world routine.
Last night Dennis and I were in ego-based interaction of another sort. I became very aware that parts of my ego definitely intensely disliked Dennis....and I am sure this is mutual. I even joked about us being ordered to be together this lifetime, duking it out so we could get over the sharp-edged hurdles we seem to bring out in one another.
Early this morning I was laying in bed and the thoughts came. I remembered what I had written a couple days back and could dance into the Godly vibration too. I started reflecting on this whole my-ego -hates-his-ego thing. I got it square in the eyes! Bingo! Dennis may have the hooks but my negative response is ALL ABOUT ME! It is utter projection. The unfinished business in me, the bad and the ugly anyway, I project smack onto Dennis. It really doesn't matter what he's doing, or not, IT'S MY STUFF!
You may be chuckling since you know all about this from that very training exercise. Ha Ha. It's not much fun to get that stomach punch before one even gets out of bed. I cried. Seeing all that in myself that I detest (and I am sure there are huge parts I didn't see) overwhelmed me with crushing realization. I asked my God and my Guru to place Their Hands on my heart to purify it. I could feel Their Great Love immediately. There is so much darkness yet in my heart...and underneath there IS Light. They Love me...even with all the flaws, because They see the Truth and the Good behind. Until I break my identification with my sorry ego I will suffer as I did today.
How quick can I learn to catch myself when I begin projecting my own self-hatred out? It's NEVER about anybody or anything out there. It's always about me. I know I have written about this before...and you'll just have to bear with me. I'm unfinished...so very unfinished.
I know some healers say we must love the dark side within us so that we can integrate it. On one level that is probably true...love the lowly little devil ego...poor misguided wretch. Accepting it instead of "fighting" with it will not make it stronger...on that level! Yet, for me it is easier to face it, and experience the pain of it, and ask my Great Ones to purify it as it rests in my heart.
The essential thing is to catch my negative projections AS SOON AS THEY EMERGE! Immediately bring it back to, "Oh, this is a piece of my ego I REALLY dislike and this person, place, or event is triggering it. The trick here is not to get terribly depressed about constantly seeing all that self-related darkness.
For me, the immediate Connection to my God and my Gurus for heart-healing and the inevitable Love They transmit along with it, provides a deep sense of solace. They love me regardless of all my warts, and hopefully through Their unfailing example, I can learn to do the same.
Loving you, learning to love me, k