Source Seminars

When the Sh-- Hits the Fan

Dear ones,
I have been buzzing with this blog for a few of days and finally I am seizing the time to write it!

A couple of weeks ago I had a defining moment when I clearly saw how my thoughts shaped my "reality".  I had purchased several different organic veggies from Trader Joe's and phoned Den to inform him I would be making dinner.  His comment, "Great.  Just make sure it's a healthy one!" Immediately I was in REACT mode.  I interpreted his comment as both critical and controlling.  I had ALREADY planned on making a very healthy meal.  I practically hung up on him as I spit out, "I WAS going to do that!"

After I got off the phone I reflected.  My thoughts about his comment were what made me uptight.  My thoughts defined Den instantly as both critical and controlling...but "Could I absolutely know that was true?"
No!  If I hadn't put that spin on his words via my thoughts, I would not have reacted so strongly...I could have easily said "I am making such and such...very, very healthy" in a sweet, sincere voice.

How much of the time do I make myself unhappy by thinking the thoughts I think?  I would say, 100% of the time I am unhappy...I have made myself unhappy through my own perception of what I am experiencing!

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I do the same thing in interpreting behavior!  This time I am instantly (and quite unreasonably triggered.)  Obviously, Den has done something that stimulated synapse connection with very old, very wounded perceptions in my brain!  I am positive it had nothing to do with the current situation!!  How do I know that...because the negative reaction and response was INSTANTANEOUS.  Also, like a searchlight it kept seeking other "ammunition" to go even further down the path of unreasonable attack.  My other clue....the pain was so deep, the effect so vivid, it continued on mercilessly into the next morning!

Den, God Bless Him, remained calm.  I grabbed my pillow and moved to the living room couch in a huff!  Anger cascading over me, I was still weary enough to fall asleep after a meaningless meditation. (Angry thoughts chasing around my brain.)  After Den finished his meditation, he came looking for me.  Awakening from the Remembrance of sleep, I still retained some Connection with my real Self.  Enough that he could coax me back to our bed...enough that the daze of anger was no longer obliterating truth.

I awoke the next day utterly miserable.  (Another indication that whatever had been triggered went way back to the childhood that developed a battered and unlovable self-image.)  Dissolved in tears, I saw myself as such a failure on every level.  Depression and self-loathing ruled the day.  I empathized with those grads who experience amazing depression...it is so insidious and overwhelming!!  The ego uses each thought, each feeling to drive one ever further into the darkness of self-hatred and despair!

Den was kind and consoling.  I felt I could stay awash in self-hate for who knows how long.  He evenly encouraged me to come and energize with him.  THANK GOD FOR A SPIRITUAL LIFE COMPANION!  Environment is stronger than will power...if he hadn't been there to nudge me, I am certain I wouldn't have got myself to meditate till the last 4+ hours of the day.  Habit would have done that...I always complete my meditation.

At first my meditation was just a roller-coaster of thought and tears.  Little by little I began to calm down.  It must've been quite awhile into it when I hit the bedrock of my real Self.  There it was....I could feel it under the morass of ego drama and froth at the surface of my Being.  It was solid and good...and I knew this was what is REAL.  The ego piped up with one accusation after another.  The amnesia-breaking one was,"You are such a fraud!"  Immediately, I grinned.  "You are RIGHT!  The ego IS a fraud!  But I am NOT the ego!"

I saw what the ego had been able to do to my peace and "presence of mind" when it got control through the wedge of my old deep wound.   I saw what nonsense had consumed me....the utter ridiculousness of mind/emotion running amok.   And it was all SO SURFACE.  My well-being, the Truth of who I am, was ever there, deep below in the Stillness.  The saving grace of meditation, persistent through the storm, brought me to the Island of Peace within once more!

I know some of you get lost in something similar...I was so fortunate that it only lasted a few hours.  My wise choice, made so long ago, of a Divine Life Partner, and my development of a deep and consistent pattern of daily meditation, are what saved me.

I reach out to those of you who are meant to hear this....examine your environment and make sure you have friends and dear ones, and especially a life partner if you choose that route this life-time, who are endeavoring to be Awake spiritual seekers!  When the car of your life gets stuck in a ditch, they will quickly do whatever they can to PULL YOU OUT!  

Foundational is the development of a regular, meaningful, meditation practice.  Your partner can get you to the well....but it is YOU that have to drink!!  Keep at it, no matter what your mind and emotions say or do!  You WILL get to that place of Remembrance of your REAL peaceful, lovable, loving Self if you DON'T GIVE UP!!  SIT THERE UNTIL YOU DO!!

Most of us will stumble, that's the nature of having human bodies, human pasts, human faults.  SO WHAT.  If we just get back up on the horse and keep riding we WILL make it.  Don't ever allow yourself to live in a Self-forgetful state for long!  Reach out to your Awake friends for assistance and go meditate!  Sit there in meditation until you REMEMBER!  A saint is a sinner who never gave up!!

Humbly yours, k

Senior Partner/Jr. Partner

Good evening!

I arose at 3AM to meditate with Bobbi in the dome.  I had myself on quite a schedule: meditate, run, Mass, eat, clean dome, grooming, serving, calling. 
My meditation was wonderful and really got me charged for my day.  I had often wondered how one was supposed to Surrender to God's will and whatever God had provided, and also outpicture and "create" what one desired.  Weren't those 2 mutually exclusive?  Today I got my answer and I just felt so buoyant about it! 

God is the Senior Partner in our relationship.  He knows the most and has the best overview of what's going on.  I am the Junior Partner.  I can make suggestions, state my preferences for how I would like things AND He has the last word.  It just makes great sense to me!

I have also continued to keep my attitude positive whatever comes down the pike.  I am viewing all and everything as straight from God for my Highest Good.  Today during dome cleaning an expensive lamp-cover and chimney was smashed.  I actually felt nothing internally...although externally I expressed some dismay.  If that's what happened, that's what was supposed to happen.  What is, IS.  It was SOOO easy to move on and not sweat it.

Many things which I had hoped and believed would go "one way", the more positive way in my own thinking, have been going in the absolute opposite direction.  Overall I have been handling it really well, even with a certain amount of amusement.   Once in a while I receive a YOU-TUBE comment about our website.  They have always been very loving and positive.  Today when I noticed I had a comment I reasonably thought it would be pleasant.  Instead it said, "What a crock of pure shit!"  I just roared...and went in and told Den and he roared too!   I still laugh each time I think of it! 

There was one time yesterday when I got yet another big disappointment and I was great on the phone but as soon as I hung up several huge sobs spontaneously came forth unexpectedly.  Taj came roaring in from the bedroom, jumped on the couch, and just leaned in to me.  He really knew how to make me feel better...his concern was absolutely touching.  Of course, I realize, this is from years of being in the training room during the Dark Side.   The boy just knows what to do!  As soon as I had my little "release" I was on my game again.  Taj was relieved.

I can't believe how happy I feel, considering the state of certain aspects of my life.  I just KNOW it's PERFECT.  God knows what He's doing...He loves me dearly, and I'm crazy for Him too.

When I was meditating I felt so very close to Him and I asked Him to remind me to be with Him throughout my day's activities.  I began singing a song in my head that I wrote years ago for the kids I used to teach.  Modifying it for today, I sang:
I want to spend my day with You Lord
I want to spend my day with You.
I want to spend my day with You Lord
I want to spend my day with You!

Running with you, praying with you, eating with you, cleaning. 
Chorus
Grooming with you, serving with you, calling with you, blogging.
Chorus

And it worked!  I did stay with Him and it made all the difference.  It was the easiest dome cleaning ever.  When I had my appointments I was so happy and content.  People felt my love regardless of the content of the conversation and I sit here typing with a grin on my mug.

I'm the Junior Partner.  Right now the firm appears to be a wreck...but that's not my business.  He's the Senior Partner and I KNOW He's got it under control.  He's leading me somewhere...and I know if I just follow along lamb-like, content, trusting...it will also prove to be the shortest distance Home.

Loving you, happily.  k

The Humble Heart is the Home of God

Good Morning,
God is "working me" and He's doing a good job of it!  I have been choosing to see EVERYTHING as coming from God.  Putting the template of "It's for my Growth, leading to Enlightenment" on each experience, no matter how insignificant, has been very interesting (you know that word we all use when we are choosing to be positive instead of whining or critical ;-) So, yesterday when my brief pause allowed another to go and grab the ideal parking space...and what turned out to be the One and Only parking space in the lot...I said "God gave me this so I could see how much such little things affect me.  He is developing my patience and forbearance!"  Well, there has been A LOT of that patience-developing activity going on!

I have been dealing with a much bigger "fish" and I KNOW it is assisting my development of Trust, Faith, and Surrender.  I imagine many of us are experiencing similar things in these "interesting" economic times.  The more I root myself in The Love of God and away from any dependence on the external, extremely fraudulent world...the happier I become!  I do believe we "Lovers of the ONE" will always have enough food and a roof over our heads.  Let's face it, we ALL have enough clothes!  We really have nothing to fear...we will have the basics covered, and probably a darn site more.  And again I consider what's really important to me:  Loving God and doing everything I can to increase that Love...and of course, experiencing/receiving Love from Him as well.
Who gives a hoot what the ego thinks or wants...it's not who we are anyway!

Regardless of what we may be seeing or experiencing in the external world, we must have the Primacy of Trust, Love, Faith, and Surrender.  These will calm any storm, and get us through every trial!  If the ego is humiliated or shaken...Good!  It must've been necessary then, to purify our hearts.  The humble heart is the Home of God!

The only Essential in my life is God.  And my Willingess to joyfully receive what He gives (even if it takes a bit to convert from a less positive emotion) and do what He bids me to do.  Right now it isn't "doing" at all.  He chooses me to just Trust that He has it all perfectly in hand!  I wait and watch with Joyful Hope (as quickly as I can create "Joyful") knowing He has my back and is spinning this fantasy to lead me on the quickest route back to my Home in Him.

I have been doing quite a bit of "handing my aching heart over to His purifying touch" and it truly is a very poignant, painfully beautiful experience.  I know it is from this Divine searing that my heart and my soul will eventually become Clean and Pure...free of the ages-old dross of the ego's mire.   When your ego's desire is in conflict with What Is, offer your pain to God in sweet surrender, put His Hand on your heart, and you will see.

Loving you! k

Unconventional Love

Good Very Early Morning!

I've been thinking of writing this post for the past three days.  Just couldn't wait any longer, so here I am in the middle of the night.

As you recall, we attended my daughter's Kriya Initiation on Saturday evening.  We got there early, at least for us :-),  and yet Den and I were seated further back in the chapel than I "expected".  Folks arriving later seemed to be given better seats.  I felt my heart respond to this perception with an ache..."He doesn't love us as much....i.e. we are not as pleasing to Him."  You get the picture.  The good thing was I could see right through my ego's dance.   Even as my heart hurt, I offered the ego-based pain up to Him.  I felt His Hand on my heart...I knew He was purifying it.  If I could only do this every time my ego reacts in pain, my heart would be purified much sooner!

As the evening moved on, I saw how perfect our seating was!  From where we sat, we could easily view Sundari and Tom and their personal time with the minister.  In fact they were seated right up in front...and as they took their excellent seats, I heard my Teacher's voice in my head,  "Are you happy now?"  "Yes, definitely!" I mentally responded.
If we had been seated closer we would not have been able to see them at all!

There is a very special recording played of our Teacher speaking at a Kriya Initiation while He was still in the body.  It is old and of poor quality thus difficult to completely understand.  We were seated directly under the speaker...and consequently I was able to 'get' more of the words than ever before.

So I reflected on these events, and I saw how my ego had perceived the situation as less than it chose, and that in reality, God and Guru had made much better choices for me!  I couldn't see the 'big picture' (literally), and Their choices for me were more loving and kind to me than my own ego-based ones!

 I know this is ALWAYS the case.  I have been watching since that night...and I have seen the same thing play out again and again, both for myself and others.  Usually in small ways, and yet not always. 

I am coming, albeit painfully slow, to the realization that Their love for me is often "unconventional"...in that it is not the way my ego would conventionally recognize it or desire it.  Yet, as my Trust deepens, I see that They are ever moving me closer to Them and to my Beloved God!   From a human perspective it may appear painful, disappointing, scary.  Yet, from a larger perspective, it is obvious They are guiding me to greater Soul Growth and Awareness.

I woke in the middle of the night and noticed I had that edgy feeling I sometimes have that things aren't going the way I think they should.  I thought about it and I remembered...things are unfolding to assist me to get Home as soon as I can.  This is my Highest and most Important Choice for myself this lifetime!  What else really is more important than that?  My comfort, my ease?  NO!  Home is where my heart longs to be.  I know that my Teachers and my God are doing everything possible to clear my way.  They choose Home for me even more than I choose myself Home.  Why should I second-guess one thing that happens to me!  I trust Them, for God's sake ;-)!

As the priest said the other day at Mass...the Attitude of Gratitude leads to Beatitude!
"Oh, so THIS is the next event or situation that is supposed to happen to get me Home to Thee...Wonderful!"

Moment by moment, step-by-step, I choose to embrace what He gives....BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.  He is giving me what I require to come Home to Him just as soon as I possibly can!!

Loving you...conventionally and unconventionally! k

FAITH AND JOY

Good Morning!

Up early cuz I just can't contain myself!  I feel so happy and so in LOVE!  Cozying in with my Beloved before sleep and waking up in His arms... it just doesn't get any better!  Actually, today I physically awoke in my dear Den's arms.  I know as he heard me rustle around he was hoping by holding me, I would be able to fall back to sleep.  I haven't been getting much sleep lately, and sometimes his ploy works.  Today I realized he is my Beloved's representative on the physical plane.  My Beloved's "stand-in" so to speak.  God is behind ALL those I love and who love me.  In fact He is behind every good thing which I experience.  He is also behind every difficult thing!  For these are growing my strength, and purifying my heart, that I may come Home all the sooner!

I was thinking of this when cuddling our little dog "Taj" last evening.  I love the little guy so much...and I know it is really God in him that I love.  He too is a representative of that GREAT LOVE just behind his little form.  I was more aware of this than usual, as a couple of dear grads had just been reunited with their lost little dog, quite miraculously.  Through a tremendous effort on their parts, and many prayers from them and those that also loved them, their little yorkie was returned after a 9 day disappearance!  God is so Good...and truly it IS God in that little darling they treasure so much!

You know I really never understood what "Faith" meant.  Honestly, the sense of the word eluded me.  All of a sudden, I UNDERSTAND.  I realize that the ONE IS coming for me!  It absolutely  WILL happen!  One day, the ONE and I will dissolve in an Ecstasy of Bliss and Joy and I will no longer experience any sense of separation!  Actually, I know we are not separate even now....I am already a part  of this WONDER, this PERFECTION, but I don't really experience it fully in the way of the Great Ones.   Yet I KNOW I WILL!  And I KNOW YOU will too!  Oh, what a thought!  SUCH JOY.  The ONE IS COMING!  Each of us will have the experience of TOTAL UNIFICATION, BLESSED CONFIRMATION of being part and parcel of this Great Goodness!!  Now I understand...my feeling and knowing about this utter eventuality is FAITH!

I KNOW it will happen.  I admit, I don't know when.  Of course, I am outpicturing and setting my cap for it being THIS VERY LIFETIME.  Yet somehow, my heart is fully joyous just knowing IT HAS TO HAPPEN.  Whether it is now or ten thousand lives from now, IT HAS TO HAPPEN.  Oh my dears...can you feel the tremendous happiness in this Truth!  EACH OF US will absolutely be dissolved in the Ecstasy of the ONE!

This thought is so THRILLING to me  I just couldn't sleep!  I couldn't wait to spring out of bed, so relatively soon after I had entered it, to share it with you!  Ah, so THIS is what FAITH means!  It is the absolute CERTAINTY  that The ONE is coming for you and me: there is no denying it, there is no escaping it, no matter how we might stumble and prolong this wondrous eventuality, IT IS OURS...our very birthright as SONS and DAUGHTER S of GOD!

I cannot leave you without sharing something very, very special to me.  On this very day, my one and only child will take her sacred Initiation into Kriya Yoga...an initiation which represents her eternal relationship with her Teacher/s on her chosen and ordained spiritual path back HOME.  My joy is humanly magnified in that it is the same spiritual path I travel myself...with the same Beloved and magnificent Teachers.  Yet truly, whatever Path she chose, it would be a great and blessed moment, in that she consciously is choosing to do the necessary, and is now formally embarking on her chosen Way to return Home!

I know my daughter's Wedding Day will be a day of great beauty and deep satisfaction to me.  Yet frankly, there is no day related to my relationship with her more sacred and fulfilling to me than Today...the day I have hoped for since her birth 26 years ago.  Thank you my God for this great blessing in each of our lives!

My sweet ones, I do love you! k

The BIG picture

Good Evening,

I have felt close to God today and it's been sweet.  God's funny.  I mean...a good sense of humor.  I really asked for assistance to stay in contact today...to share my run, and errands, and calls, etc. with Him.  When I was running I heard God say, "Wouldn't you rather run with me?  You always run faster when you do!"  Of course God is always right, too.

I was taking Taj to the groomer's after our run so I decided to run along Neptune which was near her shop.  Neptune is the street with oceanfront houses all along the way.  I would smile at people I'd see walking, running, or biking towards me.  I thought too few smiled back...they seemed pre-occupied or just insular.  My thought was, "It must be because they're rich...they're less friendly."  Immediately God said, "Sounds like your judging." Bingo.  I'm not at all sure there were less smiles than along streets in less fancy neighborhoods...I had that prejudice...that mind-set...so my mind made it that way.  More and more I realize everything's just a big story...we make it all up!

Dennis and I were conversing about a rather complicated situation among 3 people...it could be viewed rather negatively.  I told him I was encouraging the folks to expand out and realize there was a much bigger picture than any of us see at the moment.  How do we know why things happen the way they do?  Things that on the surface look like mistakes, poor judgment, failures, etc. may be unfolding exactly as they were meant to unfold.  We may have set these things up together before we ever took this embodiment.  Even the roles we play with one another may well have been divvied up and decided amongst one another for the Highest Common Good of those involved.  I am beginning to realize we better stop judging.  People may have volunteered for messy roles just to help us out!

I remember when GW got elected (well, let's just say he took office) for a 2ND term.  I was pretty unhappy about it (understatement).  People were saying that because he would be in office and continue doing the things he was doing for another 4 years, it would strengthen the forces working for the environment, equality, etc. so there would be momentum for even greater change later on.  I thought, "What a crock!  This is a catastrophe...4 more years of this!"

Yet, they were right.  Obama would NEVER have been elected if people were not pushed to the edge.  It just wouldn't have happened.  The amount of change possible now is far greater than if GW had not been in office the last 4 years.  No matter what side of the fence you are on about this..it's true.  Big change is coming!

I am really endeavoring to have a broader perspective...an expanded view...something larger than my ego can see.   I am choosing to know that God does have my back even if in the short range it doesn't always seem like it.  God is choosing me Home...I trust that.  Circumstances will present that will grow me to that goal.  One doesn't usually become stronger when things are easy.  It IS tests and trials that push us to greater heights.  If we keep our focus on the goal shining before us, we will KNOW that it is all unfolding FOR OUR OWN GOOD!! 

I read something sweet from The Yoga of Jesus while I was sitting in the doctor's office today.  It was an interpretation of the Beatitudes...the one that says "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted."

Remember last week when I was writing of my searing longing for my Beloved?  My Teacher spoke of this in reference to this passage.  He said Jesus was speaking of "that Divine melancholy resulting from the awakening consciousness of separation from God, which creates in the soul an insatiable yearning to be reunited with the Eternal Beloved.  Those who really mourn for God, who wail incessantly for Him with ever-increasing zeal in meditation, shall find comfort in the revelation of Wisdom-Bliss sent to them by God."

We must stoke the fires of our devotion in the furnace of meditation...and make our constant Prayer demands to our Mother-Father-God.  Come Father Come!  Come Mother Come!  One day, with our faces wet with tears, and our hearts bursting with Longing, the ONE WILL COME and take us HOME!

Loving you always, k

Dissolving in the ONE

Good Morning!

Bobbi and I had our 6 hour med this AM and things have been great ever since....no duh!

I tried something different today and I thought some of you might resonate with it.  I am devotional by temperament and often my meditations are filled with my love for my Beloved.  However...that is a "separatist" viewpoint.  "I" am here, offering my love and my Beloved is there receiving and returning it.

Today I got behind the seeming separation into the ONENESS of unity beneath.  I perceived my body as a "donkey" on the surface of the ONE.  This was most helpful and I was able to observe more and move less.  More often than not, when my donkey felt itchy I could just say, "Oh, the donkey is itchy.  It's on the surface of this Beingness I am in...who cares?"
The dome is a little tougher when it comes to movement restraint as one never knows if the itch is produced by a body/nerve thing OR a real creepy crawly! So if I am patient I wait to see if the itch moves around in the itchy locale.  If it does, chances are it's an insect and I usually do something about it.

Today, I sat in that Oneness and attempted to dissolve in it.  I knew I was part of this Whole and I was choosing to experience that!  I did, to varying degrees at various times, and such was incredibly comforting and still!  Anytime I reflected on the fraud world, and its various attachments, concerns, duties, difficulties, etc.
they seemed totally irrelevant. 

You understand, when we are Connected to that Wholeness, we feel WHOLE, and rest is not essential AT ALL.  We are the ones who give our power to those circumstances...they themselves are empty on their own.

Today has been and still is a very sweet day.  I know it will be this way ALL DAY!  Spending that much time in the ONE, of the ONE, with the ONE is the unfailing recipe for my happiness.

So if you think about skipping your meditation, or even cutting it short, remember you are skipping or cutting short the absolute bedrock of your peace and well-being!  Skip something else...the rest is not foundational...meditation is!!

Loving you in the ONE, k

SELF-contained

Hello All,

I was sitting in the dome in the early mornings hours, recalling David Whyte's poem where he spoke of "fighting with our flaws....and the weight of things undone."  Yes, I was feeling that weight, of both flaw and failing, and knew the only remedy was seeking the peace that passeth all understanding.  I said to myself, "Go deep and all this won't mean a fig to you!  Find that place where you are content just BEING."

I  struggled through my techniques, and by the time I got to Kriya I could feel I was being "assisted".  The juice coming in was Somebody Else's...and it felt mighty good.  Suddenly I realized exactly  how I felt: SELF-contained.  I giggled at that one.  Yes...when contained by the Self, all IS well.

There is much going on in each of our lives right now.  Things are upside-down externally...in many ways at least.  Many of us feel a deep and renewed hope due to the election outcome.  I have heard several say they feel a burden has been lifted that they hadn't even realized they had been carrying.  Still...we have a long way to go and these are very uncertain times.  I remind you...when it seems the wolf is at the door, or even the smallest things don't seem to be going right (or the way you choose them to go) GO INSIDE!  Become  SELF-contained! It absolutely works every time!  Mind you, sometimes it takes longer than others.  And...if you just sit there until you feel the shift...you WILL feel the shift.  Looking around from that place of REALITY, you will laugh at the things that had you going.  The TRUTH is...we are safe and we are loved.  Our donkeys may not be, or maybe they are...but we are NOT our donkeys!  We are the radiant children of God using these donkey-bodies to wend our way back HOME.

Thank God for meditation.  It truly is the BLUE PILL.  When we drift off into the nightmares of the fraud world, it wakes us up and reminds us this is naught but a dream.  We are ever safe and loved and SELF-contained as part and parcel of the ONE.

Loving you always, k

Anatomy of a Melt-down

Good Morning,
I was up at 3AM today as I was choosing my 3 hours of meditation and Mass with ease and grace.  Out by the pool, in the very deep of night, I cried tears of longing to see my Gurudev once more.  I know we have been together many times...and I know He has been watching over me tenderly as I have taken twisted turnings on the long way Home.

In the dome, I had been sitting about an hour, when I realized my mind had been in total wanderlust.  I had been happy to rise at 3 and spend this most quiet time with God...and I had totally blown off the opportunity with valueless thought.   I reflected on the searing grief I had experienced poolside and felt sickened.  What does my Beloved feel?  I express heart-rending emotion regarding my deep longing for Connection...then I go in and, in total amnesia once more, completely forget the One, my Teacher, anything of moment.

Succinctly said, I then had a total meltdown.  Sobbing, I just couldn't stand my flaky lack of showing up.   Even worldly lovers do better than I have!  Reviewing the long years of this saga...how many times I had awakened...and how many times I had totally forgotten again, I felt overcome!  In the past, I had even written a song about it....

Time and time again
I run away from you
O Lord, it makes me sad
You know Lord,
 I really want you
 so bad

Wake me from this sleepy dream
Tell me again, it's You I seek,
Only You, only You my Lord

Hold me in the hollow of your Hand
Keep me near to You
Never let me run away again
Never ever let me go away again,
such pain

That song was written when I
was in India in 1978....and I am still
running away from God and into the world,
primarily in my mind during meditation, and during my activities in my failure to Stay Connected!  Considering all this, I just cried and cried.   WHEN was I going to remember my Beloved, consistently...indeed constantly, throughout my day, let alone during my meditation!!  When would I validate my cries for the ONE by an ongoing outpouring of my devotion, my absorption in the ONE no matter what my body and my mind might be doing!
How could I be so IN LOVE one moment, and totally oblivious the next?

I cried and prayed and cried and prayed some more that I might change.  "I know that I am unworthy to receive You but only say the word and I shall be healed!"  That common refrain from the Mass has been meaningful to me since childhood.  "Change no circumstance in my life, CHANGE ME!" spoken by my Teacher, it continues to present itself every prayertime.

I welcome Grace before meals because it brings me back to Remembrance.  I must routinize other things throughout my day's activities that do the same thing.  I cannot continue the insincerity of feeling great longing and desire for God one moment, and then having hours of complete forgetfulness. 

So there you have it...the Anatomy of my Melt-down.   My sincere hope is that this reflection bears fruit that makes each of our Cosmic Romances more Faithful!

Loving you...and thanks for listening, k

"Special" Occasions and the Wounded Child

Dear ones,

I am writing this in hopes of assisting others who share one of my triggers/issues.  I have noticed for a long time that "Special" days (birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, Valentine's Day) often  turn out much different than I expected.  If you are someone (probably male) who finds any of these days of no real import or concern...keep reading.  Chances are your significant other, or mother, or someone close to you may well feel otherwise.

Anyway, I just had another round of Special- day-itis, and so experienced the opportunity..indeed the necessity.. of self-analysis.  
Why do these days often end up less-than-perfect and more wave-making than harmony-building in relation to my closest human relationships?  I found some interesting probables when looking at the problem with the clarity of meditation-induced awareness.

First and foremost...as is often the case,
EXPECTATION has it's mitts all over it.  These are "Special" days so I have very special expectations and scenarios running about how they are going to manifest.  Where there is the probability of fun and joy...guess who shows up?....my inner child. 
"O boy, gee whiz, FUN, Warm fuzzies, Connection, and Cuddles....this is gonna be GREAT!"

Trouble is....I have a wounded inner child.  Yes...I have done TONS of work...AND I think my inner child will be wounded til my ego is finally dissolved.  The full purification of my heart is going to be required before my inner child is really whole, integrated, and without reaction.  I'm still working on purifying my heart and I imagine I will be til my last breath or close to.

When my inner child is all set to experience SUCH FUN, she is vulnerable, open, and child-like.  That means she is also very sensitive and notices everything.  When things emerge differently than she has projected, and they always do, she is immediately in reaction.
If there is not love pouring forth, and closeness, and cuddles, and instead maybe even the opposite of these, she becomes very disappointed and makes her choice to feel hurt.  The situation at hand appears so different than her expectations, she finds it almost unbearable.  My inner child, (I think most inner children) is very emotion-driven.  She tends to globalize and exaggerate unacceptable behaviors or experiences.  This makes for an very unspecial, in fact unpleasant, day indeed. 

What to do??  This time I meditated and intensely visualized  a big pillow, a big bat, and me beating the crap out of it.  That did much to lessen the anger which was the symptom of hurt feelings underneath.

I then brought my Teacher in and remembered in His company I was truly happy.  Instead of looking for my love outside, my fun outside, my nurturing outside, I could experience it with and from Him. 

I also did the same thing for myself, as I provided the parenting my inner child was desiring.  Still....the frequency and selflessness of my Teacher is far greater than the frequency and selflessness I possess at this point in my evolution.  Keeping Company with my Teacher was the most effective balm to my hurt feelings.

This relationship gave me the motivation to "get back on the horse" and ride.  I went out and, despite a conviction that "all was ruined", I had myself a wonderful time.  In the midst of it all my Teacher whispered..."I told you this would be FUN!"

Again and again I had to remind myself where to look for and find the happiness I sought.  It was not "outside" but inside, and as I kept Company with my Teacher, it became easier and easier.

Since this "Special day" celebration lasted a couple of days, I still went into triggers and reactions...but I just kept going back to the well of meditation.  It always gets me back to where joy really is...with myself, with my God-Realized Teacher, with GOD.

So....we have some Special days coming up...Thanksgiving, Hanukkah or Christmas, Valentine's Day.  I suggest we keep going back to the well of meditation...and little by little, we WILL get it.

We are not these wounded egos or broken children...we are Sons and Daughters of the ONE.  We are loved beyond what we can EVER conceive!  We have our Beloved Teachers to make that love real for us by Their CONSTANT caring and love!

And for God's Sake...we must stop having expectations and LIVE IN THE MOMENT!

In Them, k