Source Seminars

Last Meditation of July Darkness

In the Darkness (July '09)

My closing meditation of this Darkness was without the impatience and excited restlessness I have experienced in past years.  Perhaps this was because I did my first meditation of the day in the very early hours of the morning and this one, lasting several hours, fit in so well through the rest of the afternoon.  Then again, maybe it was so because it has been such an evenly balanced, comfortable retreat over all.

Eating only fruit, instead of my traditional Lemonade Cleanse, was a very wise choice prompted by my Gurus letting me know I was overdoing it in the past and to "give the dog a bone", as Sri Yukteswar is wont to say.  Also, giving focused time to developing strength, relaxation, and comfort in my physical vehicle was wise as well.  This made such an impact on me that I have committed to a daily routine of 5 Rites, asanas, and strength work/bodywork with muscle tension-relieving tools.  It is amazing to me how much more flexible and muscle-pain-free I am after just 2 weeks.

My final meditation was permeated with the most beautiful astral music I have ever heard.  So much so it brought tears to my eyes at times.  There was this most lovely soprano voice accompanying it with just lilting notes and refrains...no words.

I admit to being torn....was I supposed to listen to this enchanting melody or keep searching for AUM? (I later asked my Minister this question and his response: Enjoy it!) At a loss, I gave my dilemma to God, and praying to my Gurus, the immediate thought came in.

" These are Angels who have prepared this celestial music just for you, in honor of your work here these two weeks."

I was humbled...I had been trying to avoid enjoying and accepting this luminous gift. 

As I write this closing missive I am a bit melancholy.  Though anticipatory of getting out in the world and implementing my new and carefully wrought daily life plan, I will deeply miss this Holy Haven and what can be experienced in body, mind, and soul when the world is turned off!

Thank God I leave immediately for my Church's yearly Convocation, a gathering of joyous, God-filled, God-directed people.   Thousands of them will gather together from all over the world to renew their deep Connection with Spirit and our line of Gurus.  If I must return to the world, starting with a week in such a soulful environment is definitely the way to do it.

GOD BLESS US ALL!

No Fear

In the Darkness (July '09)

My first venture in the DARK, back 7 years ago now, found me beset with almost constant, or at least consistent, fear.  I imagine this is due to the thousands of years we have lived, in which we had to be vigilantly on guard for what might come at us in the dark: the sudden spring of a wild beast, the attack of an intrepid marauder, the dagger stealthy in the night.  Even that first year, after a few days, I made peace with the fear although I usually developed some sort of mental emergency plan to keep my presence "secret" to protect myself from the unwelcome intruder coming down the stairs into the training room.

Over the years the fear consistently lessened.  This time it has barely dared to show it's deceptive head.  I have grown accustomed to the night burps and groans of this old chalet.  I know the knock-knocks are the work of the wind or a falling pine cone on the roof.

An interesting change this year...I put my long staff by my meditation chair.  If someone were unlucky enough to enter this sacred domain, I would stand and say in a commanding tone full of the strength and utter confidence coming from focusing on the TRUE power behind it ALL, "Be gone this instant and take nothing with thee...lest They come after ye like harpies to carrion."  Quite a change from my old plan of hiding under a blanket in the corner!

This morning I was suddenly awakened and saw a shadow over me.  I also felt a weight being pressed into my stomach area.  Aside from the first startle response, I instantly mentally summoned my Gurus and visioned Their faces above and before me.  Good luck if anything "other-worldly" thinks it stands a pauper's chance against Them!  And...I have Their protection moment by moment by moment in every turning of my life.  I just have to remember to make the call!

Years ago I heard a true story of a young female devotee walking round a lakeside park as evening shadows were falling.  Two would-be n'er do wells began to follow her menacingly.  Stalking her, their ugly plans were not hard to guess.  She began to run, calling out "Babaji, Babaji, COME.  Save me!"  The two men were overcome with fear.  One cried out to the other, "Babaji's coming, let's get out of here!"

Fear is an option...using your sacred Bodyguards is a much better choice!

Lullaby

In the Darkness (July '09)

I was laying in my cozy bunk the last night of this Darkness reflecting on what a successful sojourn it had been.  Granted, not the sizzle and pop of last year yet steady, balanced, full.  I had formed an excellent routine of  bodycare to keep the "coat" going long enough to Realize God, I hope.  This is something I have sought to do for ages and I feel now I have begun a very solid foundation on which to keep the 5 Rites, asanas, strength-building and bodywork tool-use habits alive.

I also did a massive amount of writing on my Ideal Life daily schedule to nurture my spiritual and domestic life.  Incomparable revelation has come regarding our work and other such projects I will be involved with which has been of immense assistance.

Eating only fruit has definitely cleansed my body vehicle and inspired me toward more healthy food choices, as has Master and Sri Yukteswar's direct advice to me on diet.  The fast coupled with the intense exercise/body care routine has me in far better shape than when I began this Darkness.

Laying there, I felt a joyful peace.  All of a sudden I heard the strumming of a harp.  This is the sound made by the lumbar center, the chakra associated with the solar plexus.  It has been the one chakra sound that has totally eluded me.  I felt hearing it now was a direct gift from my Great Ones (sweetly, the plucked notes of a harp sound in my ear just now as I write this.)  Lovely lyrics were sung as accompaniment to the harp.  Though I could not really make out the singer's words, I KNOW it is of her Love and Yearning for God.  (I hear the words "Lord, do make me...."

They have given me a Lullaby to put me to sleep on this last Holy night in the DARK.

At Home in AUM

In the Darkness (July '09)

Try as I might I could not fall asleep after our "Midnight Snack".  I could've felt grumpy at Master, I suppose. Yet it really had been fun and "out of the box", and my tummy felt happily content.  I lay awhile just listening to AUM and a whole chorus of other astral sounds, yet sleep remained elusive.

"Might as well get up and meditate", I thought.  When I settled down a bit in my chair I marveled at the depth of silence externally.  Granted I rarely hear anything from the outside world when in the training room during Darkness but this was different.  The strength of the silence in the wee hours of the morning was because of the lack of mental activity.  Most of the folks in this little hamlet were sleeping...there were no ego-thoughts stirring up the ethers.

The astral symphony I was listening to seemed to be crafted by a full orchestra...at other times by a jazzy band.  I could hear human...well probably not human...voices singing along too, though I couldn't make out the words.  This music is so captivating, it can be listened to for hours.  However, I kinda just wanted to hear AUM, which was difficult to isolate with all the other going on.  I wasn't sure what it meant that I was hearing all this, and just surrendered to my Gurus' will.  If this was what I was supposed to be hearing, so be it. 

Shortly thereafter the other faded away and solitary AUM came in resoundingly.  It seemed to surround me, envelope me, permeate me.  I hadn't expected anything like this.  I had accepted this Darkness to be relatively devoid of dramatic spiritual experiences,  Apparently my Gurus sought to give me this as a parting gift.  I was instructed to become One with the AUM.  I did my very best to do so.  I can't say I did so, but the depth AUM was able to bring me was marvelous.  I truly felt this was the Truth of my being...this is the stuff of which I am made.  The external world seemed vastly unappealing and everything in it seemed NONSENSE.  My whole being yearned to dissolve in this AUM and nothing else mattered!  I knew this Holy state was coming directly from the ONE and carrying me to ever deeper Connection.

Bathing in the Sound Current leads directly to the Cosmic Sea.  Clearly I say to you again...PRACTICE THE AUM TECHNIQUE!!

Midnight Snack

In the Darkness (July '09)

I awoke in the middle of the night my last night sleeping here.  I could feel Master and Sri Yukteswar with me.  I can't honestly remember who thought of it first and because I have never done such a thing before in my life (well maybe in the "munchie" dope days...but I don't really think so.)  "Do you think we should have a Midnight Snack???" was on the table.  I kindof giggled and rolled over...sleep sounded better.  But Master was having none of it...He was all for getting up and going...so off the 3 of us went.

Watermelon was the logical choice....we hadn't enjoyed anything as much as that, so watermelon it was.  It was DELICIOUS too...when Master has an idea about food...He's right, only  100% of the time!  I remember Him saying, just before the first bite, "Tuck in!"

He and I were going at it, and I encouraged Sri Yukteswar enthusiastically.

"Do I really have to?" He said drolly.

"Of course not," I replied. "But I really think you might enjoy it." He did.

When we were surfeit I cleaned everything up neatly and we headed back to bed.  As I was crawling in my bunk, I couldn't help but wonder what time it really was.  I have a talking clock (for the blind...and those of us also light-sight deprived).  I have been really good about not using it only twice the whole time I've been here.

I hopped out of bed and gave it a press.  "The time is 4 minutes to One in the morning," intoned the nice lady with the British accent.

I chuckled.  It really had been a Midnight Snack!

Never Alone

In the DARKNESS (July '09)

Today was a big day.  We were finally going to open the watermelon.  "We" being Sri Yukteswar, Paramahansa Yogananda and I.  I had resolved to be less stressed when preparing my food in the DARK as I had noticed I get pretty tensed up.

We gathered around the watermelon and it was just delicious!  It was HUGE...although only the half of the whole thing.  We merrily ate and ate and ate.  I kinda pushed back after a while and considered how exquisitely pleasurable it is to enjoy the fruits after one's been dealing with such things as wielding a very large knife, or cutting a melon properly in half, with NO light!

I was immensely aware of my Gurus (Oh,  EVERYONE was invited... my whole lineage of Teachers and whole panoply of saints I Connect with daily ..largely my Line's former incarnations), my whole Posse, in other words.  I particularly encouraged Brother Francesco to "tuck in" as I figured He never had tasted watermelon before.

I then reflected upon how we are NEVER ALONE.  We can always have God and our Teachers with us, IF WE INVITE THEM!!!  If you are not sure who your Teachers are, invite a saint you are particularly fond of, or better still, invite your Teacher/s and FEEL Their Presence with you...even if you cannot yet Name It.

I thought of times I had gone to a restaurant "alone"...the sometimes awkward feel of it.  Any of you who are grieving over being "alone", GET OVER IT!  You always have the most princely or princess-ly Beings available as your escort!  Trust me, They are more charming, entertaining, appreciative of the Invitation and the Company, than ANY earthly companion.  We are talking GOD-LIKE, here...how can you beat that??

Consider the situations in which you would enjoy someone with you, and bring THEM.  Regardless of the activity, if the quality of your experience would be improved by Their Presence (only 100% of the time), bring THEM.  And if you are doing something you wouldn't be comfortable with Them seeing...you probably shouldn't be doing it at all!

I will close with a sweet song which came to my mind as I lunched with my Gurus and my Saints.

Sitting in the Silence, on the sunny banks of my mind

Sitting in the Silence with my Master by my side

O 'tis lovely, sitting in the Silence!

Sharing my broken heart with Jesus

In the DARKNESS (July '09)

Directly I sat down, I knew this meditation was going to be different.  I had such strong energy.  "Finally maybe I will get somewhere with Hong Sau".

I did go very deep and suddenly an intense emotional pain in my heart began to manifest.  It grew stronger and stronger until it became almost unbearable.  I started tearfully calling out to Divine Mother as I felt only a Mother's loving, transforming touch could heal my heart.  I did feel Her Presence and the pain did lessen some.  I knew the pain was from the impurities in my heart.  The things that I had done, and those that I had failed to do, and also those wounds received from others.  "My heart must be healed," I thought. 

Before coming into this DARKNESS, I intuitively knew this time would be different.  It wasn't going to be about the amazingly ecstatic spiritual experiences of former years.  It was going to be WORK...there was going to be PAIN.  I was going to have to get my hands dirty.  I hadn't expected it to come on during meditation though.

This had been a really wonderful day (or night, who knows?).  I had had an especially jovial, relaxed, and truly enjoyable time with Sri Yukteswar and Master.  And now this.  The pain came back again and I was just feeling so sorry for all the suffering in the world. 

Suddenly I thought of Jesus and my heart nearly broke.  All the suffering He had taken on for so many...He was such a Tender Heart.  I could just FEEL His pain.   Albeit, no doubt,  it was just a tiny fraction of it...it was heart-rending.

I saw His visage in front of me.  "O Jesus", I cried, "I love You, it's just...."and He caught where I was going, "No" He said, and I saw Paramahansa Yogananda and Sri Yukteswar beneath Him, His hands resting on each one.  "This is the right way for You to go."

For some reason the thought came into my mind that I did not choose to keep hurting people....and the priest in charge of the local Catholic Church came to mind.  I go to Mass there regularly.  Yet, if he found out I was a yogi, he would be deeply hurt and offended.

I looked up at Jesus, "Should I not go to Mass then?"

"Don't go to Mass" He said.

"But I love having You come into me" (at Communion).

He smiled and said, "I am ALWAYS in you."

He led me to understand that I could go to some random church where I was just a nameless face in a crowd and it was fine to take Communion there.  Going to my hometown Catholic Church would be experienced as duplicitous and very upsetting to those there if they ever discovered my connection to SRF.

Jesus told me I could come and receive Him anytime...no conditions would prevail to hinder such.  Just not there in that place.  I knew He was right.  Perhaps this whole situation was one of those thorns pricking my heart.

I had committed to going to daily Mass three times weekly so it would make my life easier to let this go as well.  I had intended to complete my 3 hours of meditation before Mass although I had been told to never abandon an overlong meditation to make Mass on time.  Being deep in God eclipses lesser spiritual or other duties or agreements.

My heart still hurts...of course less as I distract myself with writing.  Yet the piper must be paid, and purification must be made.  I must sit with this allowing my Great Ones to work me through it without becoming moody.  It is so unusual not to feel the Joy and Peace at the end of meditation.   And it is what it is.

On Prayer

In the DARKNESS (July '09)

After my wonderful start with the Divine Self dream, I lay in my bunk with my energy just flowing.  I don't even know why but I began praying for others.  I prayed for so many Source grads, then family and friends, then acquaintances, past school chums...you name it!  I even prayed for each of the beloved dogs I have had in this life and the 2 kitties.  Of course, I prayed for any who do  or did not "seem to love me", as my Master frames it.  I loved them anyway.  I thought of those who hurt me in this life, forgave them, and prayed for them.  "For I looked into your heart, and I saw you were innocent."

I fervently prayed for those whom I had injured or hurt, whether it was intentional or not.  I could feel that prayer really is powerful.  That it truly makes a difference!

I know also that it purifies our hearts.  It came to me very strongly that it would be well to pray deeply, each day, for those we may have hurt or offended, and for those who have hurt and offended us.  We need not name each individual, yet just praying for those in these 2 groups would be remarkably good for our hearts.

I offer this recommendation to you....and to myself!

(Postscript in Oct.) I have been doing this most every day, and also asking for and giving forgiveness as appropriate.  I feel deeply that it is freeing my heart from countless burdens.

Connecting to Our Divine Self

In the DARKNESS (July '09)

I awakened this morning in an absolutely wonderful state.  I had the most uplifting dream.  In it was a woman named Divine Self.   She was coming on tour to promote her works of creative genius in more than one field....in both fields she was hugely successful.  She said she wanted to talk with me and we had a wonderful conversation over the phone.  Soon after, someone in touch with her told me she had really enjoyed our talk.  It wasn't until I woke up that I got the Connection.  Divine Self...I had been speaking to my Divine Self!

Each one of us has tremendous capabilities and talents buried within us.  Some have been deeply developed in past incarnations.  If we do the necessary to get in touch with our Divine Self, these will blossom and flourish.  Who knows what wondrous achievements and creations each one of us may manifest if we but unlock the storehouse of our subconscious and superconscious minds?  Through daily meditation, prayer, introspection, and spiritual study we attune ourselves, and move to our Divine Self within.  Why deprive ourselves, others, even the World of our innate gifts?

Let's each get busy developing our Connection with our Innate Divinity so we can truly manifest what we came to do....and BE!

The Importance of Trust and Love

In the DARKNESS, (July '09)

I have not written after the prior two evening meditations as I was too stoned to do anything but bed...even to shower.  That I am now writing after this one tells the tale of how this one went...At least I am finally completing the blog concerning all three of these evening meditations. 

Two nights ago I felt so immersed in the spine I felt I WAS the Current flowing therein.  I remember even mentally forming the words, "I AM the CURRENT" thinking this was the finest practice of my life.  I was quite puzzled when I then saw a "misty aureole" or maybe better said...scattered clouds when I thought it a reasonable expectation to find the radiant pristine form of the perfect spiritual eye.  I did not react unfavorably but with full trust that this was exactly the outcome due me for whatever reason.  I was and am not meditating for "perks" or results but simply for the love of my God and my Gurus and my desire to be with Them.  I felt a profound sense of Trust and Love, as I, adaze, made my way to my bunk, to rest in Them.

The next night I reflected, "Perhaps I was not supposed to BECOME the Current, but just become completely IDENTIFIED with it.  Again I had a remarkably deep, engrossing meditation, and again a nondescript experience of Light where the spiritual eye is supposed to be.  I reasoned  perhaps I am not supposed to identify with the Current at all, but just OBSERVE it and FEEL it within the spine.  I asked, and this was my Master's concurring instruction.

Since I have been stumbling directly into bed, blissed out, I decided to do a shower before meditating.  I sat down to meditate and guess who sat down with me?  Those sweet little fruit flies who escaped from my "kitchen" and got into the training room.

God had to share my Consciousness and focus with bugs tonight and indeed, there was quite a bit of "Bugatation" going on.  I have far from mastered the ability to sit motionless with insects crawling on me...whether they are biting or not.  Given all this, I reasonably expected to view nothing but a black hole at meditation end.  I had tried to follow Master's advice, in between swatting fruit flies, and there to my surprise was more Light and Form than on the prior two evenings.

Another strange thing....I have been hearing absolutely heavenly music.  Tonight, although magnetic and not unpleasing, I heard a very loud...extremely loud, sound I'd never heard before.  It did not resemble any sounds the chakras make so I had no idea where it was coming from, and it was completely internal.  The exquisite AUM symphony was gone, and replaced by THIS?  For a moment I was near tears.  Then I realized this must be happening for a reason.  Suddenly the silver and lead bangle Sri Yukteswar had prescribed for Master came into my mind.  SY had told Master He generally counseled the use of gold, silver, and copper, but for a specific purpose Yogananda was to get the silver/copper combination  instead.  I suddenly knew that odd sound was there for some special purpose.  It was purifying me in some way I needed to be purified.   I believe the purifying had to deal with my heart. Indeed, long into it, the heart chakra's bells blended with it.  I knew I must sit there and listen to it, bugs and all, until it finally changed into something else.  I can tell you it went on for a good long time and finally morphed into AUM.  The experience did not interiorize me the way the AUM Technique has been wont to do...yet I KNOW that it had done the necessary. 

So, for me, these 3 meditations were a Trilogy on the Importance of Trust and Love, no matter what God and Gurus are serving up on any particular day.

Gotta go! The bugs moved with me to my writing table and they have definitely worn out their welcome!

I RECOMMIT TO PLAYING AT A 125% NOW!

Good Morning!

I know, it's been a LONG time.  I did think of some blogs...and somehow their creation never moved to the top of the food chain.  I am presently training in a new holistic (better word than healing, methinks) modality which I will bring forward when the time feels right.  I have barely begun a full house reorganization pledged at the last Darkness Retreat...and now I am going back in the DARK today.  We have been involved in some major beautification up at Inshallah...and the CORE IV group as well as other Source grads have been instrumental in manifestation of that.  We also continue to travel to Mendocino seeking the optimum place to seclude and meditate in these Golden Years of our lives.  No luck just yet...and it seems to be moving closer.

So why am I writing TODAY?  Dennis has been pitching it for one thing, "You can't leave for another stretch without blogging...they will think you are gone for good!"  He's right...and writing IS a flow.  If you stop the river too long it stagnates.  I never really realized that until now.

I forgot to cop to a significant series of chosen distractions that now make it obvious why I was told in the July Darkness to return in October.  We don't watch TV AND over the years we have somehow got hooked into 3 different series...not at the same time!  We ARE TV Monogamous!  Two are defunct (probably says something about our un-mainstream taste) and the last is coming up on it's final year (Thank God!)  We don't watch it weekly...last time in fact we let 2 years build and then watched ALL of that on DVD's!  That took us down for a couple of weeks.

I don't read novels EXCEPT for this one author...who publishes a book about every 3 to 5 years.  I've been into this long-running series a couple of decades and of course her book came out just as the DVD's ran out.  Again...the "Lost Weekend" syndrome.  Thankfully, the author says there is only one book left to be published in that series.

Lastly...I HAVE been really good about avoiding ebay.  Anyone visiting our home sees the massive Old Country Roses collection of china in it's huge cabinet..some is at Inshallah as well.  I was on ebay to obtain some necessary items for my new practice and tangentially was exposed to some very intriguing art from the same culture.  I became ENGROSSED...even subscribing to a free trial bidding service that bids for you when you are away.  Works pretty well, too (she said sheepishly).  I'm just about out-ta the woods on this one....and the DARK is HERE!

I know each of my Guides/Teachers saw all this coming...and KNEW I would require a good dose of DARKNESS to get my head screwed on straight again.

Recently Dennis and I had the following interchange:                   

He: "Isn't it amazing how people spend so much time and $ on such and such".                                                                                                       Me:  "Yeah...we only dabble a little in ebay...that's not so bad."

He: "That's BS!  There's GOD....and there's EVERYTHING ELSE ....it's that simple!"  BINGO!

The ego is a shady little b--t--d, and it ever so sneakily slides this, then that, then more of this, than more of that...our way to distract us from our purpose, and dilute our focus and intention.  Pretty soon we are up to our ears in DVD's, books, and ebay thing-a-majigs...or whatever your chosen pleasure/poison is.

So it's time to recommit, and I RECOMMIT TO PLAYING AT 125% NOW!  Is anyone else going to stand up and say that with me?  If so, go ahead, STAND UP RIGHT NOW and say, "I RECOMMIT TO PLAYING AT 125% NOW!"  Say it again and again, until you can feel it in every fiber of your being.   And then let's move FORWARD together...out of the darkness into the LIGHT (or in my case, out of the darkness, into the DARKNESS ;-)

Please pray for me while I am in the DARK...I will pray for you too!

Loving you each, k

 

I'm finally getting it

Good Sunday Morning!

I've been working with a new Wholeness modality and it's waking me up!  I feel my Great Ones there with me....guiding me, guarding me, Connecting me and keeping me Connected.  They picked me up and dropped me in the midst of this so I could gain a fresh perspective.  Thank God!

You know I have struggled (in the past) with a wounded ego that I have named the Incredible Hulk on occasion.  My chief struggle has been to get out from under the damn thing!  Well...first off,  I've got a new name for it..."Hulkie".  Doesn't that just take some of the steam out of it, right there?  It's NOT incredible, and it's not THAT formidable.  Calling it Hulkie has definitely reduced the size of it's balls.

And guess what else?  My SOUL is the ALPHA DOG!  Where and when did I forget that extremely vital piece?  No matter how long the journey...and at the moment it looks amazingly SHORTER, the Soul is going to REMEMBER HOME.  My SOUL is going to come out on top, and Hulkie will be DUST!

I woke up early this AM and lay there focusing on each Great One in turn.  It's my new way of doing my Invocation before meditation.  Often I begin in the Dome...and when it's Sunday morning and a bit crisp, it was delicious to begin in bed!

I begin with Heavenly Father...and I just hone in on all that epithet means to me.  I Absorb myself in it til I feel fully Complete in my Connection with GOD as Father.  I move on to Divine Mother...and then to The One as FRIEND, and BELOVED.  Finally i just rest in the incredibly grounding thought of "GOD".  I do the same with each of my Line of six Great Ones, and then move onto the Saints that are beloved to me.  By the time I am complete it has usually been anywhere from a half-hour to an hour.  I AM CONNECTED.

I am seeing something in a new way and it is REALLY changing my way of holding MYSELF and my Journey.  I am experiencing that the Great Ones and Saints who have REMEMBERED Their ONENESS fully are Conscious parts of this ONENESS we call GOD.  In other words, GOD is made up of each of These incredible BEINGS!  When we call to GOD we are actually Connecting with this vast panoply of AWARE Beings.  We are Also part of that Ocean of Love...we just aren't fully Conscious of It.  Is there something beyond this Collective of Love and Awareness?  An Over-arching Benevolence Greater than the sum of It's parts?  I don't know.  I believe so....it feels correct...and yet, even if I am in error, it doesn't really matter.  To know when I commune in that Love I am communing with each Soul that has Loved and Found Their Oneness is incredibly Nurturing and Inspiring. 

I realize when I call each One present in my Consciousness as I do my Invocation...I am entraining on Their Incredible State of Bliss and Love.  It's WHO THEY ARE!  They don't even have to "send" me any 'blessings'...just Connecting with Them means I am in Connection with Endless Love.  I make the Connection...the Love and Consciousness flows in.  It's as Simple as That!

So I am beginning to experience that I AM a part of This Ocean.  Hulkie has been blocking my view!  As I move Hulkie aside, and just BE, I REMEMBER.  It is this BEING, not Hulkie's Doing, that reaffirms my Truth as part of the Infinite Collective of LOVE.  As I rest in my SELF, I am Connected!  This is the "all-day-long" meditation.

From a perspective of "healing" what's dis-eased, I have moved to an orientation of ALLOWING my WHOLENESS to BE!  I am ALREADY WHOLE....as YOU ARE!  We just must improve our "knowing" as my Teacher says.  We must just CHOOSE to focus on our WHOLENESS instead of our Hulkies!

The negative self-talk, the focus on flaws, the worry of not making it....is all part of the Hulkies standard issue of weapons to BLOCK OUR REMEMBRANCE!  GET OVER IT!!! Hop right over the Hulkie and STAND IN YOUR BEING!

Moment by moment, inquire of yourself...am I the Hulkie caught in my mind and detrimental emotions, or am I MY SOUL PRESENT IN WHATEVER IS HAPPENING EXTERNALLY OR INTERNALLY?

Interestingly, life is much more ALIVE when we are PRESENT, ALLOWING the experience, then when we are in past/future analysis of how such and such will affect our Hulkies.  WHO CARES!  We are the ALPHA DOGS...no fire can burn us, no water can drown us, NO ONE can injure us!  We are IMMORTAL.  We are composed of LOVE and LOVE ALONE!  And we are a part of a phenomenal Collective of LOVING BEINGS OF LIGHT!  And on top of all that...an OVER-ARCHING PRESENCE has our backs moment by moment by moment.

WAKE UP!  YOU ARE THE ALPHA DOG!  Don't just DO something...STAND  there in your BEING!

Loving You in me, and Me in YOU! k

Guidance and the Apple Debacle

I will be going back into Darkness in late October/November so I thought I better get as complete with this summer's Darkness account as possible.

Darkness

Remember those old sit-coms on TV where the upper-elementary or teen kid feels upset about something, just can't figure out a problem, and they sit down with an older brother or even their dad, and have a heart to heart?  Everything seems to get straightened out or at least "clear".

This is just what happened to me...so I lay down on my bunk and had a heart to heart with Master....and yes, now it's all better, cuz I UNDERSTAND.

Here's what happened.  I lost an apple in the training room.  I was in a weird place, physically, and it fell out of my hands in such a way that it made it VERY hard to determine where it might of rolled....in the DARK, of course.  I started searching on the floor and in some logical spots feeling it would most probably be there.  I ran into some spider webs and other "creepy" things...EEW! and stopped to put some knit slippers on my hands to act as 'gloves'.  Then, with muscle-testing, I asked which direction to look.

Long-story short, the Guidance had me rubbing my hands all over the training room floor which I HATE to do in the Dark , as big black beetles are known to crawl around it quite frequently.  I sure didn't choose to put my hands on one of those babies, slipper-covered or not!  I was most indignant as it turned out this was totally unnecessary as I was headed in the wrong direction!

I muscle-tested again and this time it DID lead me to what was the correct vicinity, in which I originally was looking before the cobwebs freaked me out.  I was upset.  Why had my Guidance, via muscle-testing, led me astray?  I had observed it being absolutely right-on too many times to count.  True, I had been told for me it was only 99% accurate (via muscle-testing) and I sure had used it more than a 100 times up here in the Dark.

I laid down in my bed in a bit of a sulk.

Master said, "You're upset, aren't you?"  I told Him of course I was, as I had been using Guidance non-stop, predominantly via muscle-testing, to ascertain my Gurus' Will and follow 'lamb-like'.  I thought I was doing the very best I could to conquer ego and self-will.  Now this!  What was I to think or do?

"Do you have any idea why this might have happened?" He inquired.  I thought about it for awhile and said, "Well, it could've been that 1%, OR You are choosing me to feel my Guidance more and more through my heart."  I had already begun doing such and had noticed I could get answers/Guidance directly this way, especially just after meditation.  Still, even at other times, I had begun to "weigh" the issue or choice in my heart and FEEL the correct choice.   Always, when I corroborated this with muscle-testing, there was absolute agreement.

He said that was true and asked me how I thought I could get His and SY's answers and Guidance about things.  I replied, "I could study Your vast writings and see what You said about the issue or find the advice I was looking for.  I've already begun to do more of that."  I continued, "I could ask about 2 choices, a Yes/No, and weigh them in my heart to see which had the most energetic response, which I am also doing more."  And finally, "I could keep such close company with You that our minds would be as ONE, and I would just KNOW."  As Master had written, often He could see Sri Yukteswar's signature on His thoughts.  "I would become so in tune with You, Your will would just flow through me."

"THAT'S IT!" Master exclaimed, enthusiastically.

That was why the debacle happened with the apple.  He knew my heart was in the right place in wanting to surrender my will and my ego.  He just was choosing to point me in another direction (literally ;-)

Still feeling my inadequacy, I sighed...even if my heart WAS in the right place.

IMMEDIATELY, Gerry Rafferty's song, "Whatever's written in your heart is all that matters, we'll find a way to have it all someday" flashed through my mind.  God the DJ ;-)

I felt good again, like the kid on the sit-com after Dad had helped him understand.

I will still use muscle-testing and continue to expand my ability to feel what's the correct response in my heart.  But most of all I will continue my endeavor to attune myself with my Gurus so deeply and keep company with Them so completely that muscle-testing becomes obsolete.  Then my will, will be truly THY will, my Beloved Gurudevas and my Beloved Lord!

Selfless service

Good Day!

I had a truly singular and incredible experience this past weekend...one unlike any I have ever had. It was reflective of this quotation from my Gurudeva:

"Life should be chiefly service. Without that ideal,
the intelligence that God has given you is not reaching out toward its goal. When in service you forget the little self, you will feel the big Self of Spirit."

We met the CORE IV group at Inshallah for a work retreat.  They had been advised that it would be intense, demanding, with long hours and high effort (not to worry...the one coming up in October for Source grads/friends is not intended to be like this).  Still we had NO idea...

We all arose very early as CORE IV is built on extensive meditation.  After a short breakfast break, we each hit the ground running...figuratively.  The level of focused, harmonious, TEAMWORK was something really special.  They knew they were working for GOD...this was selfless karma yoga with no thought of reward for the little self.  Because their offering of labor was to the ONE, they were constantly upleveling the quality of their work...they were simply NOT satisfied unless and until they had given their best...and presented to their Beloved the very finest work they could.  The quality of result was beyond professional...it is simply RADIANT!!

For those lucky ones choosing to come up for the Source work weekend October 10-12....you WILL be blown away.  The entire exterior wood siding of Inshallah has been stained a mellow golden brown resembling the roof deck and the entire first floor has been meticulously painted.  Traversing the hall stairway down into the training room is like going through a sacred tunnel of beauty to get to an incredibly painted training room reflecting the vibration of pristine and holy color.  It is ironic that we aren't having the frequent trainings anymore as this space is such an upliftment to experience.

I am digressing on result however...and not speaking of what is truly powerful....to get this much accomplished in two days without a whimper or a whine...ending with meditation in the wee hours in the embrace of buoyant JOY.   Serving God means JOY...it's that simple.  Each of us placing God at the center, and thinking of, working for, offering to, GOD for two straight, very active work days, made us like an incredible marching WAVE of productivity, harmony, and love.  As the hours wore on I just got more and more inebriated.  Things that didn't seem possible became possible...things that 'just couldn't work out', DID!

Working for God in that sacred space as a cogent, CONSCIOUS, self-less TEAM was/is one of the most enlivening and joyfully expansive experiences of my life.  I saw and felt that I had NO LIMITATIONS.  I KNEW my body was my servant and not the other way around.  Fatigue is a state of mind...not an actuality...and we were having NONE of it!! 

I have read that purist action is a selfless or altruistic deed performed for God.  The purity of the action was TANGIBLE.  Each occasion I have to be in that training room, or anywhere those angels worked in Inshallah, I will recall:

I spent the weekend working in the company of Supermen and Superwomen who created this beauty, this perfection....and I SAW...this is the TRUTH of WHO WE ARE!

When you have the opportunity to do selfless service to God in the company of others with the same attitude...PICK UP ON IT!  It can break through and incinerate barriers of ego-limitation and foolish self-talk that you have had to deal with for incarnations. 

Our little group LIVED thIS affirmation:
From Joy we came
For Joy we live
and we intend to complete it with:
And In this Sacred Joy we will THIS LIFE melt again!

Loving you always, in the ONE! k

Victory!

Good Day!

"What a difference a day makes....."  My Depression Battle Plan WORKS.  As I lay in bed before sleep last night, I said to myself, without even thinking..."I feel so HAPPY and PEACEFUL."  Simply said, I think there are TWO principle factors in this incredible change in my attitude and outlook in just one day.

First and perhaps foremost, is THOUGHT CONTROL.  Whenever my ego was choosing to present negative self-talk, or was desirous of re-playing certain ego-damning scenes to support it's depressive, negative state, I SIMPLY WOULDN'T GO THERE!  I just didn't allow my ego the freedom to royally screw itself up!!  I kept it on a very short tether ALL DAY!
 
Secondly, I sought out healthy environments.  Even though the ego was in no mood for the Temple, I showed up for the Temple.  Ironically, I had one of the best meditations I have had in a long time!  The High Frequency of the group present certainly allowed me to entrain on their radiance and bring myself from Darkness to Light...with much assistance from my GREAT ONES and Saints, of course!  In fact, I have been practicing the technique of lengthy Invocation for several days now.  Dwelling on the Presence and Vibration of such Ones attracts Their Frequency and even Their Qualities into your own aura.

An interesting aside shows how truly UNPREDICTABLE the ONE can be.  Dennis had mentioned going to a certain restaurant after Temple, and indicated he would like to leave earlier than usual.  At some point in the meditation I realized he was hoping to catch some of the Charger game on the large screen at that place (we don't own a TV or even have a hook-up for one.)  I asked my Teachers and the ONE Their preference....regarding staying on or leaving at the break.  I was sure They would indicate staying...I was having a great med and the Lesson Study is always good.

I got a very different response than expected...indicating we should leave.  Den was surprised when I indicated we could leave early if he desired.  I felt that God was "throwing him a bone" and I also realized I could keep studying my same Lesson at the restaurant.  I did just that.  I also told Dennis that God had said to go.  "There IS a God," he exclaimed, "and He REALLY cares!!"

When there is really no harm in something...and the one seeking a spiritual environment is able to sustain it, as I was in this case, God votes for what will bring the most JOY!  Is that so different than human parents?  Don't we do the same thing for our children when such is possible?

I am glad to be "righted" once again...feeling my old familiar well-being.  I am grateful...such a mood and attitude/altitude is not a "given", and can't be "expected".  Sometimes it requires sincere focus and work...and the alternative state provides enough motivation to make it happen!

Loving you! k
         

Battle plan for Depression

Good Morning!

I woke up in the Current and shortly thereafter a thought came in, "I am depressed".  I immediately recognized my dismal ego feeling blue.  I also remembered how creative thought is!  We must NEVER put a negative behind the most creative, God-ordained words in the Universe: I AM.  I course-corrected immediately and also noticed my tattered ego immediately bumping up against my efforts.  "I am sad,  I am unhappy, etc."  met with my Soul's immediate parry, "I AM CHOOSING JOY!"

Life Happens.  If one repeatedly ASKS for whatever is necessary in body, mind, and soul, to obtain Liberation, as I do daily, s**t is going to hit the fan!  How can I complain?  I asked for it!!  Yet, it also comes unbidden to many of us as well.  What to do when the snake of depression attempts to get a stranglehold on one's will and attitude?

I knew laying bedside, Current or no Current, would not serve me well in this situation.  After meeting each negative thought with a neutralizing positive, the next line of defense is to get active.  Yes...DO SOMETHING. 

I got out of bed and considered writing the blog.  No, too mental...the mind was already playing havoc...best to MEDITATE FIRST.  I did my Energization Exercises and my 5 rites and two asanas that free up the back. 

I began my meditation with a long Invocation...entreating each of my Great Ones and Saints to assist in my struggle with a suffering ego.  Actually, my attention was better than average, as I knew I was in  high-stakes combat for my well-being.  Moving aside the Incredible Hulk, aka Ego, to find once again my Inner Stream of Peace and Joy, was essential.

I cannot claim to have felt the River of Peace I often feel when meditating, yet I do feel more inwardly Connected.  I see clearly the two elements fighting to control my attitude and outlook...ego and Soul.  I notice it is not wise to berate the ego too much, with name-calling and what-not.  Why?  Because I am still too much identified with it, and such derision is experienced as pain within myself.  It makes sense.  Ripping the soul from the ego tears...it hurts.  Letting the attachment dissolve, though this takes longer, via basking in my Truth via meditation, is a more solacing solution. 

Constantly re-identifying with my Self, and my ALL-Loving ONE, provides me with an immediate buffer to the slings and arrows of ego.   Today, with this full stage battle, I am more AWARE than ever.  Each thought a potential weapon to bring me down...I watch my thoughts much more closely.  I must constantly change the I am (negative) to I CHOOSE (positive) statement.

One of the blessings is that I am able to analyze the battle plan, it's effectiveness, or lack thereof, and share it with you.  I know most of us confront this downward spiral from time to time.  It may be situationally generated, or  perhaps just old "stuff" finally surfacing.  No matter what the cause, we must battle valiantly and obtain our VICTORY IN THE LIGHT!

Observation is key...watching the ego as a separate entity throughout the day.  "Here is the ego...here AM I, the unconquerable Soul!"   Pulling myself back into the reality of this dichotomy, and WHO I AM REALLY, is incredibly edifying.  I chuckle as I remember the old adage, "No Pain, No Gain".  In this case, pain is DEFINITELY the prod to my REMEMBRANCE.

Another powerful tool is introspection;  re-examining and evaluating my thoughts and activities that I may clearly see from whence they spring...and where they are leading me!  I choose to end my life in the Arms of my Beloved, not in the Jaws of my ego!  Moment by moment, I must see where I am headed, and what's propelling me to that destination.  Our choices in the moment are truly those that construct our hours, days, years, lives!  From this perspective, there are no unimportant choices!  We are either moving toward the Light, or away.  We each KNOW where the ego is seeking to take us.

In summary, when the dark cloud of depression threatens to block the Sunshine of your True Soul Nature, don't take it "laying down" (literally).  Get out of bed, watch your thoughts like a hawk...changing them to positive, thought by thought, if necessary, and meditate, meditate, meditate!  Continue your ONGOING separation of ego and soul via constant observation and course-correction.  Lastly, introspect so you absolutely KNOW where the ship of your life is headed.  Are you on course and headed to the shores of Divine Fulfillment? 

Whether the ego is happy or sad...I love you! k

Blind ego

Good Day!

Back from the Desert and definitely "beat".  What an interesting 3 days full of the pay-dirt of the ego's hidden flaws and weaknesses.  Each of us noticed that we tended to be quite critical and judgmental when immersed in a culture distinctly different from our own.  We were among about 2 per cent of the attendees wearing "beach-type" (No. County Encinitas) wear.  We didn't have the dreads, the various tattoos and body piercings, and most importantly the flowing hippie clothes that truly took me back 4 decades.  One of the grey-haired MC's said it was definitely Woodstock West, and that's exactly how it felt.  No alcohol and the occasional strong whiff of cannabis sattiva.

Nearly each one there was VERY mellow.    Flowing...happy, cheerful.  We each felt we could learn a lot from that way of holding life.  They would patiently handle HOURS of wasted time, while those organizing on stage would wile away the day, in what seemed to us like vacuous monologues.  We four, seething with judgment, were absolutely amazed how the rest of the crowd sweetly followed along, lamblike, responding to over-used platitudes and embarrassing cliches as if they embodied enlightenment.  WAS THERE SOMETHING IN THE WATER???? Ahhhh,,,,Judgment!

The weekend experience ended with several hours of "family meeting" which left my ego in shreds.  Painful AND is it EVER bad for the ego to be demolished?  I think not.  If the Soul is to gain ascendancy, the ego must go!  E-go!

We tore back to the Coast in record time, just as the Temple was closing the door on the Gita Study.  We literally made it inside in the last 10 seconds or so.  Inwardly, I just KNEW we would...as our hearts (and our souls) were in the right place.   We were absolutely craving the depth of the Gita and the solace of silence and still God Communion.

During the meditation, I had the perfect opportunity to share my sorrows with the ONE...who made the astute observation that it was only the ego that was wounded, after all.  My soul was just FINE!  I am now feeling the pleasant after-effects of a successful purge.  I know I let some baggage go as I saw more clearly into my own psyche.  As today's Gita Study leader said, in her closing prayer,  "Don't let my blind ego obstruct my soul!" 

Yep!  That just about summed up the whole thing!  God always has the last word...and laugh!

Loving you! k

Turning Inward

Bhaki Fest, Joshua Tree California

Good Morning!

Den, myself, our daughter and her dad are out here in the Hot desert attending Bhaki Fest...a combination of kirtan, hatha yoga, and some short lecture presentations of related topics.   I'm not quite sure how we ended up at this hippie-style "spiritual rock concert"...I imagine the 3 parents just relished an opportunity to spend three more-or-less spiritually directed days with our daughter.

Hour after hour of "rock kirtan" actually begins to take a toll on one's psyche.  At first, it is a real rev up, and we experienced joyous enthusiasm.  After time, however, and no opportunity to turn inward, it began to feel like fingernails on a chalkboard.  Chanting to God can truly motivate one to focus Godward, and my Teacher has indicated it is to be used as a preparation for meditation.  Singing to God opens the heart and thus, the gateway to devotion.  However...if there is not intent for this to lead to true God Communion, within one's own soul, it feels like getting all dressed up and going...NOWHERE.

At one point, I went back to the room to meditate...and relished it!!  Later my daughter commented that I had made a wise choice, and she wished she had joined me.  This morning I was up well before the majority of people out here, and in time to get in some hours of meditation.  I can't get over how THIRSTY I was for the Living Waters of my inward well.  After some time I looked around our room, and saw each of the others similarly engaged in focused meditation.

I have experienced the "over-stimulation" of extended external focus...it just depletes!  Even in an environment like this, if the push is all outward, the soul battery becomes emptied. 

May this be a lesson for each of us.  If we give, and give, and give in an external way we will NOT truly become closer to our own SELVES.  Even the great mystics and saints, one by one, discovered that what they sought was not externally-based, it was INSIDE.  The speaking prayer, the audible Praise, even of God, gave way to a quiet, inner Communion.

The core of who we are is NOT MATERIAL!  We will only find the peace we are seeking in the experience of our Truth as Souls, each a part of this OverArching Divine Presence.  We are NOT material/human beings....we are Spiritual Beings of Light experiencing life in a material body. 

Turning Inward is the essential part of any Spiritual experience in our lives.  All the external "Spiritual" stuff available on the planet will not provide peace.  It can be and often is a springboard to the Journey Inside...and  if there is no consequent Journey Inside after the external "setting the table", one remains very, very Hungry indeed!

Loving you! k

 

 

Prayers and Invocations

Good Morning!

I have really been trying to get to blogging...and I keep running out of time.  I am even doing this neat time management thing where I write down everything I do in 1/2 hour increments, and it doesn't seem to find me more time.  I am more productive than I gave myself credit for....my "duties" really do occupy most of my time!  You may wish to check the management chart out though...and it takes you into more and more detailed assessment as you complete it: http://www.d.umn.edu/kmc/student/loon/acad/strat/time_use_chart.html

I just read something worthy that said each time we pray for someone it actually turns in to something tangible...like adding a feather to a giant wing.  Now when I go to:
https://donations.yogananda-srf.org/srfweb/prayer_request/  I can't help but complete the whole 10 name form.  Then you can add an additional 10 if you choose...things like that take time!

Yesterday was the transition day before our weekly 6 hour meditation morphs into a CORE IV weekly focus and gathering.  I had an extraordinary experience as I saw the power and purpose of what this means.  We always pray for you all...and the world, Mother Earth, our leaders and children and animals and on and on.  I "SAW" how the impact of this 6 hour sacred time will be greater than ever before...both for us personally and for All!  My Master, His Master before Him, and His Paramguru ad infinitum always replied, when asked "what to do" about this or that problem, "Meditate, Meditate, Meditate!" 

I do my 6 hours and kind of forget what has happened to my frequency as I go about my day.  Last night we went to the Thursday eve service at our Temple.  As soon as I closed my eyes it was as if I was in a giant electric charge...the Current was just running through me.  Because I had not taken the time to truly focus within after the 6, I had no idea how much juice had been gathered.  Yes...meditate, meditate, meditate!  "Everything in future will improve, if you are making a spiritual effort now!" Sri Yukteswar.

When I was at Convocation this year, the minister from Hollywood Temple shared that he was counseling one of the lay members who had said he was having trouble getting all his formal sadhana done, even though he was meditating for, I think he said, two hours.  Expressing surprise, the minister asked him to go over exactly what he was doing.  The man started by saying he did the Invocation "Heavenly Father, (Divine) Mother, (my)Friend, (my)Beloved God. Jesus Christ, Bhagavan Krishna, Mahavatar Babaji, Lahiri Mahasaya, Swami Sri Yukteswar, and Paramahansa Yogananda", and that took about a half an hour.  "A half an hour!" the minister exclaimed.  (This takes most of us about 30 seconds.)  The man replied something like, "By the time you really Connect with each one...."

Well...I have sometimes since done what the man spoke of...and remember I have another 6 Catholic/Christian, Jewish, Buddhist saints and avatars I also call forth as they are most dear to me.  When I do so, with all my heart and love, it does take 45 minutes, sometimes longer.   Wow...this is an AMAZING practice.  You FEEL Them come into your Aura, your Life, your Heart, in such a profound and powerful way.  You KNOW you are not meditating Alone...you have a whole POSSE of Great Ones propelling you forward into the Infinite!   Yesterday we paused a bit after each Being was invoked...and I began to hear tears in my and the other voices repeating each name as we went slowly through the litany.  Devotion building, we were already sailing when our Invocation was complete.  Try it.  You'll like it!

Loving you ALWAYS, k

Three Lessons

Good Day!

Many "could-a-been" blogs have come and gone this past week...lots going on.  Here are three of my Lessons this week:

I discovered that when one works with God, as long as the activity isn't TOO MENTAL, the concentration and continuity developed stands one in VERY good stead when the evening meditation time rolls in.

I enjoyed my work SO MUCH more this past Sunday.  When it was time to meditate, I found myself THIRSTY for It, and my mind much more focused than average.  Keeping that Presence with me...working for It, and WITH It, made such a diff!  I noticed how amazingly helpful the ONE is as well.  I would be, say, pulling old tape off a box, or something.  The tape would tear, and split, and generally turn into a mess!  Then, I would remember to ask God for assistance, and Voila!, it would come off easily in ONE PIECE.  Go figure!  God makes ALL, EASE AND GRACE.  As I read that last word, GRACE, it's NO DUH!  Of course, GOD does!

Another lesson from this past week: I take on responsibility for other people's stuff.  It's THEIR choice, decision, life direction, not mine!  I have caused myself beaucoup pain this year, two different times, by getting wrapped up and concerned about other people's feelings, reactions, well-being.  It injures my peace of mind, and they will do what they choose, regardless.  I can give it my best shot...even get in their faces about it, AND...it's still UP TO THEM!  GOD BLESS 'EM!  I am not supposed to carry them...or bear the brunt of their "interesting" choices.

Once I really "got" that they have the CHOICE, and will make their choice, and then bear the effect of their choice, such a peace came over me.  I am not RESPONSIBLE for the outcome of their choices.  I am responsible for telling them my truth, if there is any point in doing so (if, in other words, there is a chance they will be receptive,) and then I have to let it go.  I am not responsible for the outcome in the least.

Lastly, going to Temple regularly just keeps me HAPPY!  The service last night was FANTASTIC!  It was on Abundance, and the monk concluded with a terrific technique of my Master's, for creating what you desire.  Try it...I did and it really FELT GOOD!

Feel energy at your Spiritual Eye (point between the eyebrows).  It may feel like someone is pressing there, etc.  Then feel energy in your heart chakra, which is not where your heart is located, but rather in the center of your chest at about the same "latitude" as your physical heart.  You have to feel these two poles or energy centers strongly and individually first.  When you do, feel a Connection of energy, a flow of energy, between these two centers.  You then have your Will center (at the Eye) and your Feeling center Connected and in resonance with one another.

Strongly visualize that which you wish to manifest...what outcome you are seeking.  It can be something material, or the way you choose a relationship to be, or the way you choose to be in a given situation.  Whatever!  Keep keeping those "poles" connected as you outpicture your desire "coming true".  It feels SO GOOD!  If it is just a worldly desire that you would just as soon be "done with", you can actually make it so vivid that you feel it IS complete...and you will be able to let it go forever.  If it is something that will deeply assist you in a positive way...you CAN bring it forward on this physical plane.   Keep performing this technique, and make it happen!

Loving you in the ONE! k