Source Seminars

Resolves, Continued

In the Darkness....

9.  I resolve to have a diet that is for the Highest Good of my body, mind, and soul.   Now my Guru has told me in no uncertain terms, "Change Your Diet!"

10.  I resolve to incorporate some stretching, strengthening, and aerobics into my daily routine so I have a body physically able to sustain the demands of my spiritual life until I realize God!

11.  I resolve to have order in my life environment.  Order produces Beauty, Purity, and Harmony; each are aspects of the Divine.

12.  I resolve, at the behest of my Guru, to no longer ry to "convert" the nonspiritual to the spiritual.  "Those that have ears, let them hear."  I will monitor carefully how I spend my Source-related time for the Highest Good for both myself and others.

13.  I resolve to be Generous and Kind always, in each interaction and event.  I will express God's Love to God in the other person.

14.  I resolve to brook no negativity in myself or others.  I will be aware of any negative self-talk and Cancel/Clear immediately.  I will excuse myself if others are expressing negativity.  When coaching I will re-frame any negatives to a solution-based positive outcome.

15.  I resolve to continually increase my formal meditation time, and also to sustain my meditative consciousness throughout my daily activities. "Meditation in Action."

16.  I resolve to keep my Goal of Hiranyaloka Shining before me and Live Consciously by on-going monitoring of my allegiance to these Resolves.  I choose to achieve my most desired Goal!!

 

  This is why I have taken birth.  I WILL be Victorious!!

 

Resolves

In the Darkness....

I feel more clarity and awareness this Darkness than in the past and choose to make some firm resolves regarding my life ongoing.   I sit here in the cramped hall by the water heater as the pilot must be emitting a little bit of heat.   Since it is the only heat available it is most welcome!  Thankfully there is no light accompanying this wonderful heat.  I am consciously drinking my fasting beverage...pausing now and again.

1.  I resolve to be Conscious in any undertaking...to give my full attention to the task at hand.   There are no "big" and "little" tasks...they each have equal importance if there purpose is to please, love, and serve the Lord.  As such, they each are significant  to Him.

2.  I resolve to be in the moment.  It is the only moment.  It is all I have to give and receive.  I will STAY AWAKE and keep focused on the NOW and away from the past and future, save when it is truly necessary to review and/or plan.  I will not review over a "scenario" of the past or future.

3.  I resolve to have an active listening for my Gurus' input on my life in the moment, and for Their advice, suggestions, and imperative direction.   I will ask for this in big and little matters and I will be alert for Their impromptu comments, guidance, and commands.  I will not negotiate, I will obey.  I will read The Holy Scienceand anything else written of S.Y. to increase my attunement and "ear" for hearing and knowing His perspective on the way I can live my most successful life.

4.  I resolve to "keep company" with my Guru, chatting with Him companionably as I go about my day to day tasks.  Any need for "social interaction" is a thing of the past.

5.  I resolve to refrain from commenting to others about my sensory experience.  If I feel moved to do so, I will say, "My body is experiencing such and such".  I will be aware of and observe my attachment to the senses and make concerted efforts to break all sense identification.

6.  I resolve to detach myself from my obsession with Time.  I will use a clock in personal meditation only to discern at the end that I have completed my committed amount.

7.  I resolve to listen more and talk less and keep silence whenever possible.  My Master said God loves Silence!

8.  I resolve to make kindness, harmony, and nurturing a priority in EACH family interaction.  We came together to go HOME together.   It's time to GROW UP and practice being "Gods" NOW!

To be continued....

 

CHOOSE: Attachment to the senses OR the ever-free SOUL

In the Darkness....

My Guru corrects me when I step outside my cozy bunk-bed and say, "It's cold!"  He chides me when I am standing in the hot shower saying to Him," Mmmmm, this hot water feels GOOD!"  He repeatedly reminds me that I am not the body or it's experience of the senses and as long as I keep reinforcing my identification with them...so long will I keep having a body and a rebirth! 

I smile as I notice how often I do identify with the senses.  Here in the Dark, the senses I still have available seem to have become more acute.  What does that mean?  It means I am more aware of the input/information they are trying to send me.  Because I am not eating anything and only drinking the lemonade cleansing drink, TASTE has made a Huge relay of information...most of it negative.  Since I have nothing else available to eat, I knew I must overcome this aversion or find myself in a very difficult, self-created situation!  I began saying outloud, "Conditions are essentially neutral" when I took a swallow and I also offered the drink to my Master and reverently said Grace before drinking, chuckling through the "let no impurity of Greed defile it".  Food Greed, my great enemy, is definitely not present here.

Still, it IS very cold here.  I had to remove my mittens to write....writing at all in the Dark is another whole conundrum.  Yet, when I meditate, the input of the senses regarding the cold greatly lessens.  The other morning I was feeling weak and puny from the fast and wondered if I should just lay down instead of meditating.  "MEDITATE" was the inner prompt.  I went on to have a stellar spiritual experience, noting afterward that I was far more recharged and energetic.  I choose to break the continual response/comment upon external sensorial conditions!  I am NOT the body!  I am the ever-free SOUL!

 

Innate Impatience: The Glorification of Time

In the Darkness...
One of the things I like about being in the Dark is the discovery of those over-arching patterns in my life that would otherwise go unnoticed.  One of these is the constant pressure of Time.   There is no Time in the Dark.   I have no sure way of knowing if it is night or day, early or late, morning or evening, light or dark.  I am living in the moment as much as I can externally set this up for myself.  I have no "obligations" here, save doing my full sadhana twice a day...at least 4 hours of meditation including two full sets of Kriya.  Since I am meditating so much more here...and there is really not much more on my dance card...what's the deal?  Why do I become impatient when it's taking me so long to get the  flossing thread reinserted properly so it will come out of it's hole and be functional again?  I have nowhere to go....nothing to do.  It could take an hour and what does it matter?

I reflect on my experiences living/traveling in the 3rd world.  Many there, especially in remote places where we Westerners haven't spoiled things, go about their task at hand with unflappable patience.   They do not have our fancy time-saving devices.  They do what must be done in their culture the way it has been done for hundreds or thousands of years...by hand.   The task gets done and there is no rush and it seems to me they often even enjoy doing it!   Contrast that with how we live over here.   Do you enjoy flossing your teeth?   Getting dressed?   Doing the laundry?  Or is it something you have to "get done" before moving on to the next thing on your list?  If you look closely, it is not even about relative importance.  Don't you treat the so-called "Significant" or critical activities or events the same way?  Are you in the moment, even during these "special" activities...or is it all about doing and doing and doing and any chance of "Being" is lost...unnoticed?   I wager you are "in the future" or "in the past" during much of your "important" or trivial occupations.  We lose the moment...the beauty and the sweetness of it...by allowing our attention...our awareness..our ISness and all we essentially are...to be focused on what's past and gone or on what may never even come to pass!   

Just now (well, a few minutes ago) I allowed my thinking to drift off in fantasy about the prospects of writing something of this nature for a magazine.  What comical disparity...to leave the moment, to consider writing about being IN the moment!

When I DO focus on what I am doing...in this case, drinking, the drink I am taking of electrolytes and magnesium powder is actually enjoyable.  It is tangy and refreshing.  With my attention elsewhere...it is just draining the cup!  The Darkness forces my naturally high-energy persona to slow down...so does the fasting and the meditation.  Navigating only with tactile cues, I must move slowly and deliberately,  or I am collision-bound.  I must be extraordinarily conscious of where I place things or I will not be able to locate them again.  I now choose this perfectly designed opportunity to live in the moment....reflect on the moment.. as well!   Wow!  I enjoy my Retreat and the sweetness this Knowingness brings.

Mind-melding with Sri Yukteswar

Preface...
I must tell you  I am surprised Spirit chooses me to publish these  spiritual experiences.  I feel uncomfortable about it and Guidance has been unequivocal about it.  Do know I believe any one of us who have a deep desire for God would have similar experiences if cut off from the distractions of this world.  I do have an ongoing living relationship with my out-of-physical-body Teachers...it just isn't usually this intense, moment-by-moment, "in my face".  They do speak with me and give me Guidance, but in the Dark it's long, detailed conversations, etc.  

In the Darkness...

Hong Sau seems to be my ticket "Inside" this retreat.  Perhaps after 38 years I am finally getting the hang of it.  I actually see HONG SAU in block letters in my mind's eye, as well as mentally chant it.  It's not that I try to do so, it just is so!  Maybe it's "visual" cuz I am in the Dark.  I got to the place where I was not absolutely thought-less but close.  What did I choose to put in that spotless space?....my Master, Sri Yukteswar.  I narrowed my mind down to only one thought.  My mind was extremely powerful...I called to the Consciousness of Sri Yukteswar, calling Him into my consciousness, with all my might.   My mind was seeking to meld His mind with my mind that I might be strong and good like Him.  I felt my whole beingness pulled into this strong, solid, ancient Wood.  It radiated strength, wisdom, and seemed to go on forever!  The pattern kept changing.  It was lightly carved at the borders but sheath after sheath kept appearing than disappearing to make way for the next.  There was a small round aperture and I made my way through.  I was in an undulating space.  I asked S.Y. where I was but He did not answer.  During this experience I was fully and extremely focused.  My body was rigid with the intensity of my effort.  I said, "Change no circumstance in my life, change me!"  And then, "I know I am unworthy, but only say the Word and I will be healed."   I remembered something from The Holy Science about being utterly attuned to the Guru so He could change you.  I knew that was what I was after.  I resolved to read that book, it's every page, and read and re-read all that Master and Dick Wright had about S.Y.   "I am a Guru-bhakti", I declared, tearfully, "and now You have the key to my Freedom.  I fully, fully trust You.  You have my heart, now take my mind as well."  At some point the sense of His Presence seemed to lessen.  "Don't leave me!" I pleaded.

"I never have left you", He said.  "It is you who leave me.  You take yourself away.  I have been right here with you from the beginning, from birth."

I thought of those strange chaotic times of my painful childhood and marveled that He had been there through them all.  I apologized for all that I had put Him through.  So many lives where I didn't listen...maybe even eons.   He had been so kind, patient, often a loving father to me.   I called Him Father many times during the experience.

He told me I had to grow up now.  It was time.  He understood that I wanted to be His "baby" so I wouldn't screw up, make mistakes...I would be too young, too pure, and innocent to do so.  He said again I had to grow up.  I didn't get the sense I wouldn't be His "baby" on Hiranyaloka, only Now I had to grow up!  It was time for me to change and be emotionally responsible...to consistently make my Highest Choice.  I knew He would assist me to do that.  I knew He would have a very  active role in my life.  As I keep Him close in absolute attunement with Him, He is with me.  I ask Him for direction and He gives it.  He is strict and I am ready.  At one point my nose was  bursting to  be blown from all my tears.  I laughingly said, "Both of us seem to always be fiddling with our noses.  We share that trait!"

I plan on using the rest of the Darkness Retreat to deepen my attunement and mind-melding with Him.  This is by far the most important thing that has happened here.   Jai Guru!

He mentioned Kriya was a privilege and I must only do the full number if I can do so with consistent, full focus, correctly.  I must have the right attitude.  Not wondering, is this finally the last one but joyfully enjoying each one!   He assisted me to do the ones left.   This evening meditation was such ease and grace!  I know I must learn how to stay relaxed and stay very attentive.   I must never forget the wondrous opportunity presented this night for full-fledged attunement with S.Y.  I must do everything I can moment to moment to deepen this attunement and make it grow.  My love and devotion and lamblike receptive  attunement with Him will ultimately set me free from the wheel of rebirth.

Round 3: Soul wins by a hair

In the Darkness....
I conceded the Round and reached for my Kriya beads....How could I possibly fare any better?  Kriya required so much more concentration.  Yet the rays of attentive thought demanded by Kriya were as balm to my wounded mental state.  I found the embers of healing and understanding and fanned them to flame.  Occasionally my ego would attempt an ambush, but overall things went well.  Toward the end I even had a completely unique albeit brief spiritual experience.... an extremely bright light suddenly and spontaneously exploded at my spiritual eye.  I found myself in this illuminated space of clarity where no breath was required at all.  I had a crisp, clear vision of the 5 pointed star midst the Eye at the end, although I firmly stated I had no expectations.  This was true, since this Kriya practice was no where near as deep as the prior one, where nothing much occurred.   I also noted that I could stay with the Eye and go deeper into it as I did not experience my typical shortness of breath. 

After I finished Kriya, however, instead of sitting in the afterglow and absorbing the effects, as we are told to do, my mind skittered away into a very pleasant reverie based on some information about possible future events given during the Hong Sau experience.  At least it was a positive thought family....with that "defense" I decided this Round was won by the Soul by a hair!

Round 1 for Soul, Round 2 for ego

In the Darkness...
You have read what happened with Hong Sau.  I had gone to my bunk-bed, as I am often wont to do after meditating...both to further absorb, and if I am lucky, to keep expanding the meditative experience.  Also, I bury myself in the bedclothes because it is cold...I am just now wearing my long parka, snow hat, and ofttimes my mittens.  As the experience was ebbing away, I asked SriYukteswar if I could continue to lay there, probably falling asleep in my cozy nest, or did I have to get up?  "GET UP!" He said in no uncertain terms.  "Start your Aum while your frequency is high from this experience".  I term His practical push right after a spiritual experience, "Sweeping the Balcony".  If you read (Autobiography of a Yogi) what He did with Yogananda right after His experience in Cosmic Consciousness, you will understand.

I was just reverberating with Divine Joy, "Full to the Brim" as it were.  I told S.Y. I would have difficulty keeping the cork in my champagne bottle.  He asked me what I felt like doing...I replied maybe Dance...but the prospect of moving around with abandon in a completely dark room was most unappealing.

I sat down for Aum and quickly an insidious thought family came forward.  I had heard a chance comment shortly before coming into the Darkness.  From this, my ego built up a scenario that held all the elements that trigger me: betrayal, abandonment, loss, disappointment, mistrust, and loss of control.  My ego began a thought campaign against me that was no less than a field day!!  Scenario after scenario unfolded and with each came my different ways of handling them.  What "they" said, what I said, then what I did and on and on.  This was particularly amazing because I had just had the experience that anything on this plane was of no consequence whatsoever!!  Poor Aum, although heard in the background, It did not stand much of a chance.  All in all, this round was definitely won by ego!  All the pervasive and one-pointed powerful and joyful energy garnered in the Hong Sau experience had been dissipated in this raging thought war.  Where was my "champagne" now?

I dutifully returned to Aum again and again but my ego was like a dog with a bone...it just refused to put that nest of troubled thoughts down.  Again and again, it would sneakily come up, sometimes sideways putting a better face on the sitch, and 'creating' a more positive outcome.  Mentally exhausted, I conceded the round and reached for my Kriya beads.

To be continued....Round Three.

Hong Sau Triumphant Again

In the Darkness....
Hong Sau leads me to that place of NO THOUGHT again.  The outcome was different in that when all became still I could still FEEL the Silence going on forever....Eternity! Infinity!  These terms took on experiential meaning. I sat there utterly entranced. ONE only came to my mind.  IS  I was a part of the IS as was everything.  I had no other way to describe the feeling, the experience, or the conception.  Just IS. All else just faded away as utterly insignificant.  I knew this was something Sourcerers had experienced at Connections.  I AM INFINITE is what I may have said, if I was to write "My statement".  I heard a voice, was it Sri Yukteswar?, say "Your own will be with you (in the boat of Satsanga, Level IV).  I saw a particular face, then saw a number, which I did not understand.  This number increased and was explained to me.  I was then told some specifics about who would be with me and also that there would be others coming.   The overall experience was the immensity of IS, of God and God's creation, and the absurdity of getting so wrapped up in the inconsequentials, the mundanity of our daily lives and petty egos and their projections.
I felt certain of this peace and the very solidity and infinity of it.  This is humorous when I reflect on what came next...but that's tomorrow's blog.

My Cracked Core/Goal of meditation

In the Darkness....
I am noticing how often I am self-deprecating because Sri Yukteswar has been using the tool He put in my head to cut the thought off.  No wonder I have an inherently negative impression about myself.  Negative self-talk does that!  I also believe this fundamentally flawed foundation is why I am SO motivated to find God.  Shedding this very broken false self can't happen soon enough!  I reflected upon this and realized that the folks with whom I have interacted who have had the most burning passion to find God seem also to have this cracked ego core.  So it is a blessing, then, to have this painful wound.  At least I choose to see it so.  I see it as a giant cracked shell surrounding me.  My efforts, spiritually and character-wise,  are valiantly pushing it off a little bit at a time. 

We and the participants individually studied our meditation technique lessons during our Level IV training just past.  I have noticed a dramatic improvement in the results obtained with each technique here in the Darkness.  Interestingly, I just did the best Kriya practice of my life and was quite surprised when I saw less definition of the Spiritual Eye than during less stellar Kriya practices up here. (I experience very little of the Eye at  all the rest of the year.)  I asked Sri Yukteswar about this and His immediate response was "NO EXPECTATIONS".  I must not look for the fruits of my meditation....but only hope to feel a greater love for God!!

I stop my mind Part II

In the Darkness......
The Intensity of His Presence (Sri Yukteswar) absolutely surrounded me.  I was permeated with His Will and Consciousness.  I transferred the burden and responsibilities of my life to Him.  "Are you absolutely sure?" He then asked.  I remembered how Master had had the same conversation with Him chronicled in the Autobiography of a Yogi, and how I had envied Him for it.  "I am absolutely sure", I said with striking conviction.  He was doing things inside my mind.  He built this neat wooden device that comes down and clips any negative thought even as it is being formed. (At least this is how my mind could grasp it.)  I had one arise as we spoke and it worked like magic.  "You built that for me, didn't you?"  "Yep" was His mirthful reply.

He asked me to no longer try to convert unwilling souls to the spiritual path...just as He had asked the same of Master so long ago.  A person (a name) came into my consciousness and He said, "He's mine."  I had suspected so.  I had planned to meet with some people regarding their commitment to continue to grow together toward Liberation.  I knew now this was what SriYukteswar felt I should do.  I asked Him if I could tell the one person what He had said.  He did not reply.  Then I asked, "If it is best for him, can I tell him?"  "Yes" Sri Yukteswar said.  "If it's best for him".
"And I will know because You are in my mind so I will just ask You."
"That's the right answer," He said.

I have clear guidance now about Level IV.  I will meet with those involved or might choose to be involved and find out if they are committed to continue moving forward together as a phalanx of souls.  Utilizing Level IV for this isn't about the petty likes or dislikes of a particular training or location.  It is about a commitment to keep keeping on together regardless.  At this time I saw a particular face while we discussed this.  I also saw myself meeting with several other people.  There was no "convincing" anymore.  I was just putting a gift forward of what I had been given in this experience and I had no attachment to the outcome or what may come of it.  He then said "Your own will come" and I saw and knew who He meant.  Regarding those I would be speaking with, I asked "Will you help me with them?"  "Definitely" He said.  I saw this little boat of Satsanga with Level IV written on the side.  I knew that others were coming in it, brothers and sisters committed to going Home together this lifetime.  I knew we had made this commitment and I could feel the strength of us doing so together.  Ours was a powerful, intentional group...formed specifically for our Freedom.

I feel strong and changed from this miraculous experience of at-one-ment with my beloved Sri Yukteswar.  I said to Him, "You already had my heart; now you have my mind as well."  He said, "There is more to be done with the heart."  I saw The Holy Science (His book) and I knew He meant there was much in my heart still to be purified.  I felt we would be studying this book at the next Level IV.  He indicated that the necessity to decide was still quite some time away but that such was a good possibility.  At any rate, it will be His choice for He is the Master of my Mind and Will now.

He also indicated my diet must change.  It obviously causes much mucus which is a distraction in my meditations.  Of course now that He has said His Will about it, it will change immediately.

I know He will speak to me in my mind...I look for His "signature" on my thoughts.  I intend to follow His guidance impeccably.  I mentioned something about Master, an avatar, having His signature on His thoughts.  He asked me if I was jealous of Master's relationship with Him.  I said, "No one could be jealous of such a wonderfully warm and loving soul as Master.  I added since He had His "son", I might prefer to be His daughter.  He softly said, "You have been."
I said I knew that and best not to tell any details lest my ego get a hold of it.

I told Him I didn't understand how I could feel He was with me right before this incarnation and yet I don't have the consciousness to have been with Him on Hiranyaloka.
He said simply, "I was with you."  I understood that He came just before I took embodiment and that's why I so keenly felt the pain of my separation from Him...even in the womb.  He saw my "baby" image in my mind (My Ideal Life written earlier in a blog).  He said, "You are serious about that?"  I said Yes and that I doubted "Saviors" had their own children but maybe He could adopt me.  I told Him I would serve Him as a "lieutenant" anywhere He might ask me to go, again and again, as long as I might be able to return to Him on Hiranyaloka when each life was complete, if it was His Will.  Then, I would choose to jump with Him into the Cosmic Sea.  He said, "You are far younger than me, child."  I replied, "You have my heart.  I don't choose to live without it."
He smiled, cast His eyes down, and said, "We shall see."

He said something I choose not to write...and I replied I was content to continue serving Him as a "sheepdog".  "Good." He said.

At one point, "Across the Universe" was playing in my mind, and a customary noise of the house sounded just on the AUM  portion of the lyrics...sounding just like AUM.  "My opened mind" the lyrics said.  How perfect!

I stop my mind Part I

In the Darkness...

I choose to preface this first of the blogs from the Dark relating spiritual experiences.  I believe anyone with a serious spiritual discipline (or maybe even without one) would have equal or probably more incredible experiences then I had.  There is nothing special about me...it's the amazing aspects of an environment devoid of sensory pull and externality that result in these occurrences.  The reason I write of these things at all is to glorify God and perhaps reveal something that will assist others in their search for God.  If you do not feel this writing is doing so...please metaphorically toss it on the dung heap and stop reading! 

In the Darkness....

Doing Hong Sau  with the little worthless thoughts rambling in repeatedly.  Suddenly it came to mute my mind.  I just reached and grabbed it, vise-like.  Hong Sau and nothing else would get through.  Somehow the absurdity...outrage, of allowing anything or anyone else run in MY mind, electrified me into action.  It didn't take too long before there was NO thought.  It was powerful but blank.  I could hear a higher-pitched noise...quite monotone, which matched the white appearance of my empty but vibrant mind.  There, enraptured in the Presence and calm quietness, I had no desire to think or do anything.  Perhaps the occasional Hong Sau...otherwise I was vigilant.  Nothing could or would get through.  Now, what to do with this mind of mine?  It was powerful...I could feel that.   It was present, and under my control.   My first "thought" was to give it to God....let God run my mind from now on.   I know not why, but the idea came to bring Sri Yukteswar in and have Him make it His own.  Imprint my mind so strongly that His thoughts became mine and His wisdom.  His noble infinite Love would be the matrix from which my mind would now operate.  I thought piercingly of Him and invited Him in.  I asked Him to claim it ALL.  I could "see" His image...His beautiful face and feel Him moving in my mind.  Tearfully, I asked Him to change my mind into something He had wrought.  I heard Him chuckle and say, "It isn't easy you know."

I intuitively knew He meant the confines of my mind...it's smallness, narrowness.  Instantly I said "I'll make it bigger" and I opened it up and expanded it as large as I could.  Pushing away my mind's imaginary boundaries and limitations.  "That's better", He said.  I asked Him to build His fortresses there against thoughts of my petty ego and fortifications to resist all evil.  I attuned my mind with His Great Mind as much as possible...aligning myself with His Consciousness.  He could do whatever  He could.   I remembered it is in attunement with the Guru that He is really able to work with us. 

To be  continued.....

Inner Preponderance

In the Darkness....
I know this has happened before when on this yearly retreat and it seems to be commencing earlier this time.  I believe this is because of the prep work done on the Level IV just past.  What a wise move to come immediately after the intense two weeks of group work with those committed and working/moving together toward Liberation THIS lifetime!  I intend to always have my Darkness directly following this saturation in purest Intention and Inner Development.

There is an innate restlessness about life in the fraud world.  There is an ongoing pull toward externalities...both in thought and sense experience!  We must fight this pull outward each time we sit to meditate.  There is a restlessness with which we must deal.  This is why meditation often feels like a "duty" to be done when we first sit down.   Here it is different.  The inward flow takes preponderance as I again REMEMBER how essential meditation is.  Meditation is what gives us true peace, happiness, serenity.   It leads us to our inner kingdom where as my Master so beautifully said, "We become a Prince of Peace, reigning on a throne of Poise, directing our kingdom of activity." 

Meditation done over a lifetime gradually removes our soul identification with the fraud world...the senses.  We naturally become attached to this inner way of being and our energetic flow begins to reverse and be magnetized inside.  (Kriya yoga is especially powerful in magnetizing the spine to reverse the outer flow of our life energy.)  I notice now, because of the very nature of Darkness, the inner flow has now taken preponderance over my Life and Consciousness.

Today's two lessons

Good Sunday,
We were up at Inshallah and I was without my journal so would not be blogging about the Darkness today.  During my meditation,  something helpful came through which I will share.  When I was in the Darkness I had a very specific and revealing experience of Divine Abundance, which I will write about when I come to that entry.  Today, however, I was given that this Abundance was mine in EVERY aspect of my life.  In other words, if I require strength to overcome a character flaw, or habit pattern that is not serving my evolution, I have an ABUNDANT amount of strength and ability to do just that!!  If I require patience, forbearance, courage....you name it, I have sufficient abundance to do whatever it is that I am choosing to do!!  The ABUNDANCE is mine just for being a child of God....I don't have to DO anything to have access to it....or become anything, or even ASK.  It is Already given to me....all I have to do is have the AWARENESS that it is there...fully receive and acknowledge it, and UTILIZE IT!  It really is that simple.  My own lack of faith, trust, awareness...whatever, is what is causing any block.  I am doing that to myself.  In reality I have EVERYTHING I require at any given moment.  Only the ignorance, stubbornness,  stupidity of my ego is in the way of my eternal abundance in ANY aspect of my life.

Then another interesting thing happened.  One of our grads came to mind, and I had the thought...."I should contact them....they could use a little pick-me-up just now to get them back on course...back to who they deserve to be as a divine child of the ONE."  I heard in my mind, "You should do the same thing for YOURSELF as you do for others.  You should encourage YOU, get YOU back on track when necessary...give the same loving concern and attention and patience you give to others to YOURSELF!"

That struck a cord.  I must begin treating myself with the same respect and love that I choose to give to those for whom I truly care.  It's past time.  This is an equal opportunity love-fest and I choose to give some to my soul as well...I know in doing so I will be better equipped to share my love with others to our mutual greater benefit.

So two lessons today.....the only thing blocking my ABUNDANCE in any area of my life is me...it's ALREADY here, I've just got to get out of my own way.
AND I must treat myself as well and with the same love I give to others.  I must give myself the same encouraging pep-talk when it is required.

If these two lessons resonate with you...pick up on them!

Loving you always (and me too!) k

What the mind tries to do to us....

In the Darkness...
I notice when my mind chooses to bring in a fear-thought related to being in the Dark, it is just trying to create "Drama" because it is bored.  When it happens now I just think "Drama" and drop the thought instantly.   This is a function of the human mind that goes on all the time in regular life.  It's just more obvious here in the Dark.  I observed it happening during Level IV.  Some small circumstance was mushroomed into the "Dramatic".   The mind deliberately does such to poison our peace.  Just now I was sitting like a rock in meditation...focused as I did my Kriya.  Dropping out of nowhere came in a thought laced with lack...fear...with relative thoughts involving betrayal, breech of trust, on and on.  (By the way...this specific thought cycle plagued me most of the Darkness Retreat...and when I checked it out when back in the world it turned out to be completely BOGUS!)  Suddenly my mind was off to the races with a growing pit of unease developing in my stomach.  What became of my calm detachment and enjoyment of the Dark?  Not to mention a once stellar meditation now in shreds?   Thankfully, I did catch on to ego/mind's game...none too soon.  I visualized hitting that thought and all it's relatives out of the ballpark.  It was time for HOME.....Run!!
Of course it kept trying to come back like a bad penny.  Vigilant,  I thanked God and my Masters for these opportunities to see all of this and actually be able to control it for once.  Again, conditions are essentially neutral.  It is WE who put all the spin on them.  If we are truly working for God with pure detachment from outcome, none of it would bother us at all!

My Ideal Life

In the Darkness...A reverie

I am a baby, incarnated on Hiranaloka, and of the gender my Bapuji prefers. I crawl up to the front of the lecture hall where He sits on His tiger skin.  My only desire is to be near Him and I rest my head on His foot.  I am so content that I make no fuss at all.  Indeed, I would forget about being fed except my mother comes for me.  I am always holding onto Him somewhere...His leg, His feet.  He is the Sun and Moon to me.  He is affectionate and indulgent with me.  He picks me up on His lap or roughs up my hair as He lectures to the wise group.  He says, "This little one should not have been able to come to me here but the intention, and desire, and the love was so strong, Divine Mother allowed this to be.  This little one will grow wise just being near me, by playing at my feet with rapt adoration.  This one will absorb the high frequency and it will change them, make them worthy of this place."

When Yogananda comes I somehow get between Them and grab a leg of both.  I fall asleep stretched out between the two Lights of my Heart.  As soon as I awaken, I call for Bapuji.  I will not rest or be appeased until I am taken to Him in the Hall.
As I grow up, I learn to serve Him there in any way I can.  I am offered more interesting jobs and I indicate I am willing to do them but I prefer to serve Him if I may.  Finally I am ready to do His bidding afar.  Tearfully I take His leave and ask if I will REMEMBER.  He tells me if I place my hand on my heart, I will see His visage in my mind's eye encouraging me and each time these life assignments are complete I get to come Home, growing up at the feet of my Beloved once again.  I do this countless times until He tells me He and Yoganandaji are jumping into the Ocean of Spirit to stay as One with the Cosmic Sea.  They allow me to hold both of Their hands and we jump together.  I hear the sound of incorporeal laughter as we disolve together into the Sea of Bliss.

Conditions are Essentially Neutral

In the Darkness....

 I laid abed quite sleepy yet unable to sleep.  I tossed and turned like that for what seemed like hours, not understanding why.   I pondered rising and fixing my fasting drink and felt a sharp stab of aversion in my stomach.  Then I heard my Master's words in my mind: "Conditions are essentially neutral."  I knew I had both my mantra and my lesson for the day.  I lost my beloved little hat that kept my buzzed hair warm in the very cold environment and had no idea how I would would discover it in the enveloping black. "Conditions are essentially neutral". I went into the bath and preparing for the day I squeezed the toothpaste too hard and just about gagged on the copious amount of paste on my brush.  The mantra "Conditions are essentially neutral" kept shepherding me back to the Real. 

I began my meditation sleepy and apathetic...somehow managing to get through Hong Sau. "Conditions are essentially neutral."  I reached for the armrest and Aum, and swaying on it in my groggy state, I wondered how long I would possibly hold on till I gave up and crawled back to bed. "Conditions are essentially neutral."

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Aum kicked in and I was riveted.  Who would have thought....

Kriya came next and I remembered something from my last minute cramming with the Lessons just before I turned out the light for the last time for two weeks.  I become deeply interiorized...

I sit in the afterglow drunk as a skunk.

I return to my bunk bed...crawling in fully clothed I think I will be way too warm.  Yet I feel the chills permeating my body...and I recognize them as the signal I get when my Teachers come to me.  I drift happily off in the very sleep I so desired earlier.         

We ourselves inform this world of it's relative values.  We decide what's likable or not.  What's right, what's wrong.  To live in the neutrality of conditions being essentially neutral is to live free indeed.  Everything that presents is fine.  We can enjoy it all if we choose...and the choice is always ours.

The Mind is the Challenge

Good Morning!
Written from  my journal after my first Darkness meditation:

After I fairly effectively remove the input of the senses, the whole battle is with the mind itself.  It becomes fairly obvious the inroads King Ego has made in this fertile territory. I am experiencing a penchant for negative thought and remember the same trend during last year's Darkness.  Mind chooses to continuously review less than stellar experiences, particularly interactions, from the past, both recent and distant.  Again and again I force my thinking to return to the present.  The practice of Constant Conscious Connection (CCC) is especially helpful.  I also share the more challenging tasks of my day/night? with God and/or my Teachers.  I have no doubt I have Their assistance as is demonstrated by the complicated untangling of my necklace and my mala without sight this day.

I know if I can manage to consistently remain in CCC and in the present moment, it will be the most beneficial time I have ever spent in the Dark.  I am endeavoring to move from sole focus on formal meditation to an expanded sense of active meditation throughout my waking hours.  I believe if I stick to positives when awake, any negativities will be processed in the dream state.  I am remembering my dreams much more readily and completely than usual.  I find it is also very easy to analyze their meaning.

Moment by moment in the Darkness I am challenged to grow.  I feel the great privilege of what this environment offers...so much more than just the solitude.  I am forced Inside by the Dark.

A Tale of Two Dreams

Dear Ones,

I will be sharing my journal entries regarding The Darkness over the next several posts.  These were the most amazing and fruitful two weeks of my life, yet writing in absolute darkness, it remains to be seen (an ironic use of words) whether I will be able to decipher and thus share what I have recorded.

In summary, the Darkness is my solitary retreat in absolute darkness in the training room up at Inshallah.  I actually bunk in Babaji's Cave, the little room off the training room where the staff usually sleeps.  It is a haven.  This year I was there nearly two weeks...and fasting on the Master Cleanse (lemon or lime juice, cayenne pepper, maple syrup in alkaline water) throughout my sojourn.

I believe something is going on in the Darkness that is beyond my place to reason or censor.  Essentially I will post here what I have written (if I can decipher my writing) as I believe there is a greater reason for sharing it than I sometimes can comprehend.  This first entry may especially appear so.
Loving you always, k

My initial journal entry:
A Tale of Two Dreams

I went to bed bone-cracking tired my first night of the Darkness.  I had stayed awake as long as I possibly could studying my Lessons on my central meditation technique, Kriya Yoga.  It is foundational to my sadhana (spiritual practice).  I knew there would be no more opportunity for instruction once I turned out that light.  How precious Lesson Study seemed to me then!

My first dream in the Dark had Den and I leading a training in Mexico.  I noticed my ego's concern as I was not fully in control.  I did not speak Spanish and consequently was dependent upon our guide.  I recognized that aspect of being a trainer....the need to be in control.   I saw how good it was for the participants to surrender their self-will and how they were able to grow so much more into the Spirit.  I saw how being in control strengthened my ego...only when I turned my will over to God and became a simple conduit for His Guidance and Instruction was I as blessed as the participants.

I saw synergies and exact puzzle-piece matches as God wove a large pattern for our benefit.  I saw opportunity and space for group work as we were all fasting and the long meal breaks could be utilized for such.  Of course as I write this I see how this applies to my situation in the Dark.  Mostly what I felt was my need to be in control...and the absolute essentiality of letting go and trusting.  God has a plan...I must surrender to it whether I see it or understand it, or not.

Dream Two:
The dream I had just before awakening was quite solacing.  I am the only "new-age" thinker in a family of fundamentalist Christians.  Somehow I was in a dangerous situation where I was on a stage and in an unsafe environment.  My brothers were in the audience and I was able to communicate to them that I required their assistance.  They jumped up and in an ensuing struggle rescued me,  I was still on stage as a presenter and I spoke my Teacher's Blessing before eating and a few more lines from His little book, Scientific Healing Affirmations.  This had a profound impact on all present and suddenly they were experiencing the grace of meditation's deep inner peace.  They were most receptive.  Even my deceased brother Kirk was present.  I told them they could always find this state of peace right within themselves.  It is a portable paradise.  They really enjoyed this and asked where these words came from.  They went deeper into themselves and returned home to rest in that state and I left to locate a copy of the book.  I could not find one anywhere and just before awakening I finally did. 

I did not want to get up to write this down...and then I could see.  The Darkness is not just for me...I am given to share what I find with you.

Ego and Soul; A tale of two perspectives

Good Sunday Morning!

Today my ego is doing a war dance as it is NOT happy it will soon be cut off from all pleasurable sense experience.  The fact that I am planning on doing the Master Cleanse the whole time in Darkness really makes it whine!  I noticed it's restlessness as I sat in meditation.  It led me through a few "unworthy" dances, a couple of "failure" renditions, and some "never gonna make it" was thrown in for good measure.  Sometimes I got caught up and cried, others I remembered and "watched".  When I turn to God and the Great Ones They always ask the same question, "Is that YOU?"  I then remember I am not the ego and it's multitude of faults and flaws, THANK GOD!!  As Socrates said in last night's movie, "You are NOT your thoughts!!"

When I tuned into my Soul, it was in a very different place.  Sitting quietly, with humble joy, It is very much looking forward to this time away from the fraud world.  It looks forward to unbroken Communion with the Beloved without the thousand distractions bearing in from the yammering senses.

So that's how it is for me at the moment.  The ego is pacing around, restless, shocked that it will soon be cut off from everything Fraud, most especially FOOD.  And the Soul, patiently awaiting It's Blessed Two Weeks in the Dark Womb of It's Cosmic Beloved.

Please pray for me that I continually identify with my Soul, and allow my Soul to Identify and Merge with Spirit.  I will pray for you too...and your Freedom in THIS very lifetime!!

See you at the end of the month...and may lots of blogs come through (and be Legibly recorded without light) for the edification of each of us!!

Loving you always, k

Non-attachment

Good Evening,

My meditations are solidly reflecting my IV experience in Ireland.  My concentration has improved, my posture is dramatically different, and I am not as restless in mind or body.  This is leading to a subtler experience.  Today I was noticing the thin film of attachment upon my state.  I could see it's unreality and fraudulent posture, and also experience the Real beneath.  It was so clear that the only thing to be attached to in the moment, was the sensation of energy moving up and down my spine.  My world-view narrowed to this one object of experience and I felt a spiritual craving to be utterly absorbed in it.  How simple our lives could be if we could but give up the many large and small fraudulent attachments.  "Not this, not that.  Not this, not that."  This age-old vedic mantra sums it up nicely.

Stop for a moment and consider.  There will ever be praise and blame, joy and pain, old and new....on and on.   These pairs of dualities float like bubbles on top of the ONE  unchanging REALITY.  How long will we attach to the unreal, the slippery, the effervescent?   Wisdom at some point will take over...we just must step back enough from our ego dance to allow it.

Non-attachment to outcome will greatly reduce our attachment to the external.  If we work and act to serve and please the One alone, what matter what outcome presents?  I trust God knows the very best outcome...why not step back from ego-investment and let it appear?

I am unsure if my thinking is creating my calm demeanor, or if my calmness is effecting my thinking.  I do know I feel much more at peace and steady.  I also know this enjoyable state is meditation-born.  What a perfect time to enter my annual Darkness Retreat.  I will be unable to blog during this time and hopefully I will be able to record some thoughts/experiences while in the dark to share with you when I return.   I will write once more tomorrow if possible.  Please do keep me in your thoughts and prayers through the month. 

Loving you always, k